Jumpstarting Communication.............

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wishful4
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Jumpstarting Communication.............

Post by wishful4 »

I decided last evening that I will try to put my feelings about chastity, and D/s down in print in an email to my spouse in the hopes of jumpstarting communication between us on these subjects. We can't seem to talk face to face about this or maybe I'm just afraid to ask. Maybe I've bombarded her with too many books, online articles, etc., in the last few months. My submissiveness in the bedroom is not new, but my interest in chastity is. What I'd like to know most is her feelings. From all the guys out there, have you ever done this before and how did your spouse/SO receive it? When we are talking face to face, things sometimes don't come out the way I intend, so I thought an email would give me time to think about what I wanted to say and edit if necessary. Once she reads, maybe the conversation will follow.
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Atone
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Re: Jumpstarting Communication.............

Post by Atone »

wishful4 wrote:What I'd like to know most is her feelings.
sending an email is a one way communication, you probably will not find out her feelings from this.

I would suggest writing out a bulleted list of what you would like to talk about. Then let her know that you would like to take some time (suggest some time specific) to talk about a couple of things that are on your mind. Use the list as both a way to remind yourself of what you want to talk about and also to separate it from you. The latter can help get past the anxiety of bringing something up.

-A
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Dev
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Re: Jumpstarting Communication.............

Post by Dev »

Hi Wishful,

When you said "guys," I hope you didn't mean only the guys and ladies are welcome to join in...

Certainly writing your thoughts down as a way to organize them is a good idea, but I wouldn't send it as an email. I believe in "congruency of communication"--people tend to respond in the the way the message was delivered, ie, if someone calls you on the phone and leaves a message, you will return the phone call, not send an email. So if you want to have a conversation with your wife, I think you need to initiate it as a conversation.

My other thought would be, don't try to cover too much ground in one conversation. If you read my blog the other day, you'll see that I am a great believer in daily small conversations rather than once-in-awhile big ones. In the big conversations, too much information is presented and it can be overwhelming for the recipient, so many of the important points (to you) get lost. The small conversations you can focus on one point, then the next day, build on that with point two, then point three on day three and so on.

So, what point do you want to focus on for day one? I just went back and re-read your posts. It seems that an issue is that your wife wants to "do" chastity by the honor system but you want to wear a device. She thinks the device is grungy and grubby and a pain to put on. That seems to be a good starting point. It's very specific, you know what you want (to be wearing the device) and the issue is to sort out a way to make this realistic for both of you. (Actually, this situation is sort of what my husband and I are dealing with, only in reverse. He wants to take his WM off daily for cleaning and I want him to be locked 24/7 without a break. We have found a good way to make it work for us, at the moment, but it did take discussion and negotiation to get there.)

It seems that maybe what you could offer would be: 1) you will be fastidious about keeping the device clean and you'll figure out what you need to do to make that happen; 2) you'll be responsible for putting it on and locking it; 3) she'll hold the key. If those options aren't acceptable then that's where you begin to negotiate.

To get the conversation going, I'd suggest, "Honey, you know I have been thinking about chastity and it's important to me. If we could just spend the next five minutes talking about one specific thing, that is, wearing my CB, I'd appreciate it. Do you have five minutes right now or would it be better in an hour or so?" In those three sentences you have conveyed: 1) why this conversation is needed (it's important to you); 2) the agenda (wearing the CB); 3) the time required (5 minutes); and 4) you have given her the choice of when to have the conversation (now or in an hour). I think point four is important because that's the one that takes the pressure off, IMO.

I could write more but I think I'll stop there for the moment. Let me know how these ideas work for you and good luck!

D
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jnuts
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Re: Jumpstarting Communication.............

Post by jnuts »

Im going to have to disagree here. Belle and I have found in the past thqt sometimes it is easier to discuss sex via email/text/IM. It is at least a good starting point. We have gotten to the point we don't need these tools anymore but this was only very recently. I think this would be a good stepping stone as long as you do follow it up with some actual conversation.
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Re: Jumpstarting Communication.............

Post by Belle »

Email always worked good for us, I was the one that had problems communicating my feelings. Often we would be sitting in the same room and he would tell me that he sent it. We would then either discuss it or email back and forth until we got to a point that I felt comfortable verbally responding. We no longer need to do this, but it was a gradual process.
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Dev
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Re: Jumpstarting Communication.............

Post by Dev »

Thanks for those examples, Belle and jnuts.

You are making me realize that there is an age issue here. :D When Ab and I first got together, there was no such thing as email. Heck, there wasn't even voice mail. We still had phone machines in those days and even they were sort of rare. So our conversations have always been conversations and that's very much what we are used to from all these years together.

The second issue is that Ab is not a writing kind of guy. There's a reason he doesn't contribute to my blog or here. It's just not his style. Probably the best way that email (or text) would work would be if I wrote, "I have something important I'd like to discuss this evening. Let's make sure to find a few minutes to talk privately."

D
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Re: Jumpstarting Communication.............

Post by Shane67 »

I'm going to be a bit of a contrarian here and suggest that in this particular situation, where your submissiveness in the bedroom is not new, you delay "the talk" until after you've been practicing chastity for awhile. Since you've already bombarded/overwhelmed her with books, articles, etc., the point here is just start doing it, and hope that she realizes the benefits of you staying chaste. Get her to do T&D and then push out the D part. Tell her how much you love the feeling of being so close to her and you want to keep feeling this way -- this will be the truth. She already knows you're a bit strange in bed, so chances are likely that she'll be fine. Rinse and repeat. Resist the urge to unleash your emotions on her. Keep it fun. After a few cycles, she should be much more receptive to talking about what you've been doing.

YMMV, IMHO, and all other disclaimers applied...
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Re: Jumpstarting Communication.............

Post by likes2blocked »

E-mail, or maybe a printed letter can work. There are times that a conversation just doesn't get there. You want to make 3 points, and get derailed on the first or second, and you never make your point. It is also a way to get your whole message across without having the other person butting in with "Yes, but...". Something important for me is that I sometimes can't find the right words quickly, and if pressed will blurt something out, often with the wrong connotations. I do better with written communication, and can read and re-read to make sure I'm saying what I want to say.
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David
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Re: Jumpstarting Communication.............

Post by David »

I agree with Shane. If your wife is happy to try chastity without a device (the honour system), be grateful for that and go with it for a while. Hopefully during that time she will see some advantages to her of MC.

After a few weeks discuss with her how MC is working, whether she is enjoying it and whether she wants to continue it. If she says yes, then she is more likely to be open to the idea of a device "to help you to stick to your commitment" or "as a tangible symbol of your commitment".

For most MC couples here it took the woman a while to appreciate the benefits to her and to the relationship. Actual experience of this was usually needed even amongst those who had read up extensively about MC. It certainly worked for me with my wife to approach the subject in small steps, and in fact we are still on the honour system because that seems to be what works best for us.

Good luck.
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Dev
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Re: Jumpstarting Communication.............

Post by Dev »

If I may respectfully say--and please correct me if I am missing the point here--I think trying to "do" chastity without talking about it is asking for trouble.
be grateful for that and go with it for a while. Hopefully during that time she will see some advantages to her of MC.


This reminds me of a post Atone made ages ago about chastity games: the man imagines what he wants and his wife is supposed to read his mind. "Hopefully" she'll see some advantages? I think the scenario is more like, "Oh, great, he's not bringing up that wacky chastity thing. Hopefully he'll just forget the whole thing and we can get back to normal in a few weeks."
After a few weeks discuss with her how MC is working, whether she is enjoying it and whether she wants to continue it.
This presumes she is enjoying it. What if she has been trying to ignore it and hope it will go away?

The point I was trying to make in my post earlier, and I think Sarah makes the same point in her book, is to keep your chastity conversations, especially at the beginning, short and focused. Don't blurt out every single kinky fantasy you've ever had in your life. That's a sure way to overwhelm and push her away. Instead, pick one piece that is important to you and focus on that. Because it is important to you it is a topic that is worthy of conversation, even if only for five minutes.

If the conversation is more easily handled via email or text or whatever because that is a dynamic that works for you, I'll concede that point. But I think not talking about it at all--taking the silent chastity approach--is not a recipe for success. My 2 cents from a woman's point of view.

D
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