Women, Men...help me think this through...

Living the real life under lock and key
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Tom Allen
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Re: Women, Men...help me think this through...

Post by Tom Allen »

I know that in my own marriage, I tend to cede to Mrs. Edge's opinions in situations in which my own desires are neutral. IOW, I dont' care what color the curtains are. Want to paint the bathroom blue? Sure. Want to have your family over for dinner next weekend? Okay, I'll make sure there's propane in the grill. Since she tends to have more ideas and is more active about such things, then I usually go along. She's happy, which means that I'm happy.

Is that FLR?

Well, no. Recently there have been studies (probably just polls) stating that in couples that report a high level of satisfaction in the relationship, the men in the relationship tend to be more accommodating to their wives with regard to decision making. This could point to situations which could be described as female-led if you wanted to stretch the term, but I think it's probably not a good description of what actually happens in most good relationships.

Personally, I think that many of the FLR/WLM bloggers are really men hoping for a "femdom lite" relationship. FLR means that they get to feel subjugated or controlled, but without the hassle of trying to talk their wives into wearing leather. I haven't taken a scientific survey, but from what I've noticed in general, many of the bloggers tend to complain about the lackluster reception that their wives have had to the idea (if they even get around to broaching the subject, as some of them seem to be happy with what I call "stealth submission.") For them, FLR is a way to have, if not the cake, then at least some of the frosting.
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klick
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Re: Women, Men...help me think this through...

Post by klick »

I think we need to separate the different ingredients in this cake-mix?
Is the problem that there is some kind of ideal FLR? Built on what? Stereotypical hardcore femdom dominas?
And it could be a little difficult to live a fantasy with leather or latex, corsets, high heels, whips, punishments all the time etc. etc. Thank god I'm not a Domina!
Why can't we just relax and mix our own little cakes in our homes? I blame it all on the overhyped modern society. Wonder what kind of male chastity devices they used in the stone age?
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Re: Women, Men...help me think this through...

Post by Tom Allen »

klick wrote: Wonder what kind of male chastity devices they used in the stone age?
We had to make our own out of mastadon tusks and pterodactyl skin.
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Re: Women, Men...help me think this through...

Post by klick »

Tom Allen wrote:
klick wrote: Wonder what kind of male chastity devices they used in the stone age?
We had to make our own out of mastadon tusks and pterodactyl skin.
And the lucky guys got captured by brutal neanderthal women and had to live happily in FLR?
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Re: Women, Men...help me think this through...

Post by Dev »

And the lucky guys got captured by brutal neanderthal women and had to live happily in FLR?
The thing is, even in those days we weren't brutal. We used effective communication, process, and consensus building to get our point across. :D

@Tom: you have a cave painting of that device of yours you can share with the group?

D
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Re: Women, Men...help me think this through...

Post by Celtic Queen »

klick wrote:I think we need to separate the different ingredients in this cake-mix?
Is the problem that there is some kind of ideal FLR? Built on what? Stereotypical hardcore femdom dominas?
And it could be a little difficult to live a fantasy with leather or latex, corsets, high heels, whips, punishments all the time etc. etc. Thank god I'm not a Domina!
That's where it's useful to separate FemDomme from FLRs. The overarching problem here is one of common terms that everyone relates and the meaning is unchallenged. I understand FemDomme to be on the fantasy side of things with the role play element and often unfeasibly silly porn connotations. FLRs are the realworld inner workings of a relationship with a pre negotiated power bias to the woman.They aren't interchangeable terms in my view and each can work in their own right.
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Re: Women, Men...help me think this through...

Post by cgnc »

Thank you for bringing up this topic, you've helped me understand one of the reasons I'm still a little unsure about MC. DG and I have a very equal relationship, he said the same thing just this past weekend, so I know it's not just my point of view here, and I'm having trouble being on the dominant side of this whole issue.

In other posts I've heard guys say things like, it's really easy, all you have to do is tease us or not tease us, just don't forget about us. On the other hand, I get the feeling that DG wants just a little more input from me than that, at least sometimes... And I feel guilty teasing him, I feel like I do enough of that as it is.

The time or two that I did try to be a little dominant (oxymoron there?) it didn't work anyway. So I guess I'm just not sure where to go from here or how to get there. As for the initial intent of the post, I guess I never bothered to try and put a label on it. Or I never bothered to think too much about it, our relationship is, like all others, unique, and it works quite well for us. Or at least it has, or at least I think it has. Which begs the question- is DG trying to change that with MC? I don't think he is. Will he change it with MC? Or will MC change it? From what I've read, it does. I tend to be of the "if it ain't broke, don't try to fix it" point of view, so maybe we should quit this before we mess things up? On the other hand, I've always tried to be accommodating with all of DG's kinks, even though sometimes i just want to scream, "Will you put all that shit away and just fuck me!"
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Re: Women, Men...help me think this through...

Post by Tom Allen »

ceegee, it's really not that difficult - it's just that it's a different paradigm, so we tend to over-think what's going on. The teasing is simply to keep up the initial rush of being locked, or perhaps the feeling of being under control.

But you can take it out of the realm of being just a kinky weekend game into something different by agreeing to wear the device all the time (once you get the fit and comfort issues worked out). Then, you *could* just take him out and use him, but the game continues when you put him back in right afterward.
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Re: Women, Men...help me think this through...

Post by cgnc »

So maybe it's the concept of "using him" that I haven't gotten to yet. He mentioned to me this past weekend that it would be OK for me to just enjoy myself without having to worry about him having an O, but frankly, it's just not as good when he doesn't. Actually, to be more precise, it's not as good when he doesn't at the same time as me.

How can I be overthinking? I've just started thinking about it. I was in the "maybe if I ignore it, it will go away" phase, but that hasn't happened, so I guess I need to do something about it. I just don't know what. LOL- he's the one who left this forum up on the 'puter for me to read, so something that somebody said in here is probably what he wants me to do....

I started wearing the key on a necklace b/c I thought that's what he wanted me to do. And look where that got us, now the neighbors know! :oops:
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Re: Women, Men...help me think this through...

Post by mikecb »

cgnc wrote:So maybe it's the concept of "using him" that I haven't gotten to yet. He mentioned to me this past weekend that it would be OK for me to just enjoy myself without having to worry about him having an O, but frankly, it's just not as good when he doesn't. Actually, to be more precise, it's not as good when he doesn't at the same time as me.
cgnc,

There are a million ways to do chastity play, and nobody is "right" or "wrong" if it works for them. Based on what you're saying here, maybe the baseline for MC for you two is that he is locked up until you want what's in the cage, and then you take him out and use it! At a minimum, it would eliminate masturbation, and wouldn't be any skin off your back, because you'd still have the cock, if that's what you need.

Perhaps a next step is that he's locked up, and on days you DON'T want sex, but you're in an otherwise frisky mood, you do some tease and denial. As has been mentioned around here before, just a stroke of the balls now and again so that he knows you are thinking of him might be all he needs.

I think the most important thing is to sit down and hammer it out. You sound game to try something, you just want your needs met. If you can have a calm conversation about it, perhaps you just need to sit down at the table and work out the details?

Of course, that said, it's often the case with these desires that we harbor that we can't properly articulate them. There may be some trial and error as you go. The fact that you're here on the forum, looking into it for him, seems to indicate that you two should be able to talk through it and come to a mutually enjoyable approach.

Good luck!
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