What's Been The Biggest Surprise?

[Belle]

The increase in communication. And the fact that I am blogging and on a forum discussing our sex life.

[wants2lockhimup]

The intimacy & communication for sure and the ability to discuss anything that turns us on. I have found a whole kinky side of myself that I didn't really know I had. I have tried things that once turned me off or made me feel "dirty" and now find so hot and satisfying. He has become a very effective communicator and lover and I owe it to MC! He has a strong desire to please me and in turn it makes me want to do the same for him even more than before. Even though I am not allowing him to orgasm, I want to give him a lot of attention by way of much T & D.
M~

[thumper]

That's the thing. It's variable. Up some times, down others. Most of the time I feel like I'm a toy boat riding huge hormonal waves.

Do you still feel this way even if the teasing is sparse? I just want to prepare myself. There is no way my poor Belle can keep up with MC the way we started it. I just wondered if I am still going to feelthe high if I have longish periods of denial and she isn't in the mood.

The thing about how we do MC is that I get very little ancillary teasing. It's super rare. I need to get off on whatever reflected pleasure Belle's getting. That's why porn's been a big deal for me. I have used it to maintain the buzz when she's not participating.

I find it difficult to adjust to the highs and the lows. The highs were great, obviously, but the lows often left me feeling despondent. That's basically the point I was trying to make on your blog yesterday. But what's happened over time is that I don't feel bad right away anymore. There's this purgatory state like I'm in now where I don't feel up or down. I don't feel much at all. In a way, that's almost more unsettling because, if you're like me, your sexuality is vitally important to your sense of well-being and even self-worth. To see it sort of evaporate and be replaced with nothing at all feels odd.

I guess I get through it knowing that it's not permanent. I'll either go back up when Belle gets back or I'll go down, but either way it's like I said above. There are these swelling waves and I'm riding on top of them. I don't even know if it's possible to control them. All I have to do is patiently wait and have faith things will change for the better.

[Celtic Queen]

MC is such a significant rewiring process for both parties that I think thats why the initial reaction to it is shock! Female sexuality gets fundamentally changed too in the process and it's perhaps easier to overlook this. Received wisdom is that sexual contact ends with male orgasm. Given that - freely generalising here - males usually make the approach- female sexuality is formed culturally to encourage that. Turn that on it's head. Why "attract males" by flaunting sexual features if males were all in MC and we assumed -probably correctly- that it wouldn't matter how you dressed or flirted - the male is going to be receptive? If male sexuality is fundamentally changed by MC to be translated as "making my woman happy" then a whole lotta rethink is going to have to take place about what female sexuality is all about. That, my locked up people, is one big old revolution......

[James]

Its a relief to discover that I'm not the only one on this roller coaster of emotions. Since introducing MC to my wife Karen almost a year ago I've remained the eternal optimist. Hoping that at some point she would finally embrace MC. Still, she is at best a reluctant Keyholder. The most frustrating thing for me to accept is her unwillingness to communicate regarding anything sexual. In an otherwise healthy, happy relationship, sex is the one thing that is not open to discussion. So, I cherish every bit of attention she pays me and continue to hope she will some day take more of an interest in MC.
James

[Dev]

James, is she willing to read anything about MC? Or has she, eg, Sarah's book, various blogs? Just curious...

D

[mikecb]

The most frustrating thing for me to accept is her unwillingness to communicate regarding anything sexual. In an otherwise healthy, happy relationship, sex is the one thing that is not open to discussion.

James,

I'm in pretty much the same boat. It's intensely frustrating.

mikecb

[Shane67]

The thing about how we do MC is that I get very little ancillary teasing. It's super rare. I need to get off on whatever reflected pleasure Belle's getting.

Was this something you actively desired and negotiated for, or was this what worked for Belle, so you reoriented yourself around her pleasure? Even though I say I want to cede control, it's been extremely hard for me to refrain from steering our play into areas and modes that suit me.

... male sexuality is fundamentally changed by MC to be translated as "making my woman happy" ...

That's another big surprise for me: that such a seemingly simple thing as "making my woman happy" could have such a profound impact on our relationship. But as you noted, the change is fundamental and perhaps all fundamental changes are by definition profound.

[thumper]

Was this something you actively desired and negotiated for, or was this what worked for Belle, so you reoriented yourself around her pleasure? Even though I say I want to cede control, it's been extremely hard for me to refrain from steering our play into areas and modes that suit me.

I struggled with this a lot for a long time. I still do from time to time. It is *not* my desire and I would actually prefer more teasing. It would come in very handy during those times when I lose focus or feel the buzz drop off. Anything I get from her is better than what I'd get from porn. However, she just doesn't feel like it very often and, when she does do it, it's almost always with the device on. In general, she doesn't seem to like "things" in the bedroom, especially dealing with them. Pink, her vibe, is OK because I can have it out and on in 3 seconds, but the device or a strap-on or whatever is more hassle than she's usually prepared for.

So anyway, dealing with getting the device off, me cleaned up, then getting it back on afterward is too much to ask. And yeah, I had to reorient myself around her. Not just her desires, but pretty much every aspect of how she wants to approach sex. As I was saying on Jnuts blog, as a guy in this dynamic you end up needed to rechannel your distinctly male sexuality through female circuits. Specifically, the female you've handed control over to. This is not something that should be entered into lightly as it's really, really hard to deal with the emotions that come up as you struggle to rewire your brain.

Like I said, it's easier now, but it's not perfect. I have come to accept it as part of the price of all the good stuff that comes from living like this.

[Shane67]

Hoping that at some point she would finally embrace MC. Still, she is at best a reluctant Keyholder.

My wife and I first started playing with chastity close to 15 years ago. That play, along at other attempts at incorporating kink into our life, was spectacularly unsuccessful, sometimes leaving us questioning the marriage. It wasn't until we started having a chaste relationship (as Dev uses the phrase) that things turned around.