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jnuts
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Re: New to the site

Post by jnuts » Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:24 pm

There are really 2 ways to look at it.

1. Many short sexual encounters with no orgasm.

2. One really long sexual encounter ending in orgasm.

I see it as the second one. Since I'm the one that has the stronger drive, that works out perfect for me.

I guess Im just a glass half full kinda guy. When I do get to cum, Belle will be half full as well.
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Tom Allen
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Re: New to the site

Post by Tom Allen » Thu Oct 28, 2010 3:14 pm

jnuts wrote:There are really 2 ways to look at it.

1. Many short sexual encounters with no orgasm.

2. One really long sexual encounter ending in orgasm.
Or, as I've put it elsewhere:
It's all foreplay, punctuated by an occasional orgasm.

Jimi, you are *way* overthinking this. Way over. Way.

If you know a little about Tantric practices, perhaps you've run across Zen or Taoism. There is an adage that in order to understand Tao, you need to throw out everything you've learned about it.

Seriously.

Wipe your brain of the web sites, the blogs, the forums, the articles, and of any thoughts about sexuality that you've previously had. Stop comparing. Or rather, stop reading what Dev, Belle, Thumper, etc., writes with the intention of comparing it to something else. Release all of those things from your mind, and just focus on the actual feelings that you have. Not on the *comparison*, but just on the feelings and sensations.

Got that?

Now just spend the time enjoying it without analyzing it.

You could spend all afternoon reading about the effects of heat on protein, and trying to understand how herbs and minerals affect the moisture content, but at the end of the day it won't have been actually more enjoyable than grilling a nice steak.

Food (heh) for thought.
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Re: New to the site

Post by mikecb » Thu Oct 28, 2010 3:36 pm

Belle wrote: I deny him because HE has ASKED/BEGGED me to, not because I feel the need to punish him for bad behavior. I am his wife, not his mother or his boss. I do not have the right to punish him for anything that he does-he is an adult and makes and lives with his own choices.

.....

Yet it is a game, and if need be or if either of us decide we want to stop-the game ends.
Amen!

It's just a game.

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Dev
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Re: New to the site

Post by Dev » Thu Oct 28, 2010 9:13 pm

Jimi wrote:
I don't accept that male orgasm creates "bad" husband / behavior.
I don't think anybody has *ever* said that. I think what people have said (and I include myself in this group) is that if a man orgasms at will and/or without his partner, it can cause problems. In other words, if a man masturbates to orgasm in the morning and then is unable to satisfy his wife sexually later in the day, that's a problem. If a man comes to prefer stimulating himself so that he is unable to satisfy his wife, that's a problem.

The orgasm itself is not necessarily the problem but some of the attendant behaviors may be.

D
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Re: New to the site

Post by likes2blocked » Thu Oct 28, 2010 10:11 pm

Dev wrote:Jimi wrote:
I don't accept that male orgasm creates "bad" husband / behavior.
I don't think anybody has *ever* said that.
People have said what's roughly the converse, which is not orgasming can create good husband behavior. Which is not quite the same thing - there can be people with good behavior who are having orgasms.

What Jimi doesn't understand (yet), is what happens in your head when you go for weeks, getting more and more aroused. Because he's attached to the concept of having orgasms, he sees this as something negative and difficult. Attachment being one of the causes of real suffering (to continue Tom's metaphysical points).

As you experience this constant, heightened level of arousal, it changes the way you think, and how you behave. I can literally get a high from just stroking my wife's body in a non-sexual way. That's a really cool thing, and an experience I wouldn't have had if I had not let go from my attachment to the way I'd been living, and try a new approach. Because I connect her very strongly with pleasure, it brings us closer together, which greatly fosters "good husband behavior".

While someone who hasn't done this can read what I've written and might think it is interesting, or may want to debate the conclusions, you can't really _know_ until you do it.

To quote one of my favorite movies, "Don't dream it. Be it."
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Re: New to the site

Post by Shane67 » Fri Oct 29, 2010 12:18 am

Orgasms are good. So why have sex without orgasms? I can flat out say, from experience, that sex without orgasms can be better. Better in every sense of the word: it's more intense, more emotionally and physically satisfying, more sensual, and occurs with more frequency. Sure, there's the intense denial part, but I don't view that yearning for release as a bad thing. In fact, much of the time, the intense and constant denial is the whole point -- I get off on it. It's part of the sensual aspect of the game.

But if you're not wired this way, then it should immediately become clear after you try it. I don't believe it's a learned response -- it's not like if you try chastity often enough you'll like it.
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Re: New to the site

Post by Jimi123 » Fri Oct 29, 2010 9:34 am

Over thinking things is part of me and my issues. Some of which probably helped in landing me here to ponder this all out to such an intense level :lol:

Maybe its ubber nit picking on my part if male orgasm=poor husband or if no male orgasm=good husband. Is there a big difference?

I think I've been dealing with problems with a lack of intimate contact (not just sexual) and the core of this is maybe summed up by not being the "ideal" husband that was spelled out in a couple of the sites that promote this lifestyle. ie if you feel your husband is not taking care of things your not too hot for him or sex in general.

Do you know that if you Google things like perfect husband, ideal mate etc... You don't find a lot of useful information? At least not in the type of relationship we currently have *Except a few Chastity sites"

Odd...

Anyway, picking up a list of what makes a husband "good" (Outside of having his cock locked up and the sexual tease and denial stuff) was a pretty good start on at least getting things to be better. Those of you dealing with sexual drive differences? :( I get that and how this would work? Well I think I get it and I understand how so many men post how hard it is when you start. And I guess thats the be careful for what you wish for.

For the concept of begging to be denied and controlled etc. I get a vibe that I offended and I didn't intend that. Questions I'm full of and I get that they might be pretty tired and lame. I also get that people may just want things for the kink aspect. That they may well crave some domination or maybe its just "interest" and if handing over the keys to the car gets that?
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jnuts
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Re: New to the site

Post by jnuts » Fri Oct 29, 2010 9:56 am

There really is no such thing as a perfect husband. Nobody is perfect. It's the little things you can do that make the difference. Orgasm denial has made me a bit less lazy and a nit more attentive. When sex depends so much on your wife's mood and comfort level, you subconsiously(and probably a little consiously too) do what you can to make sure she is comfortable and in a good mood.

I don't like to think of this as bribing her for sex though. When I'm being denied, I DO feel closer to my wife and I find myself wanting to please her (sexually and non-sexually) because it makes me feel good.
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Re: New to the site

Post by mikecb » Fri Oct 29, 2010 10:01 am

Jimi123 wrote: Those of you dealing with sexual drive differences? :( I get that and how this would work? Well I think I get it and I understand how so many men post how hard it is when you start. And I guess thats the be careful for what you wish for.
I have to say that, in my own experience, chastity play was absolutely NO help in dealing with sex drive differences. My "signature" line on Chastity Mansion for years has been "I want Chastity, not Celibacy". In my case, my wife has utterly no sex drive, so being locked into a chastity belt was simply "celibacy" when we tried to play. In the successful relationships we see, here, the amount of sex going on actually increases during chastity play. The sex may not end in orgasm for the man, but the intimacy level is greatly enhanced.

So, I'm skeptical of the notion that chastity play can successfully deal with differences in sex drive, unless it's a truly Femdom relationship, and the man takes submissive pleasure from orgasm denial, rather than the pleasure gained from intimacy. I would steer a more vanilla path in speaking to newbies about chastity these days. I wouldn't suggest it for couples with differences in libido, unless they're already in a successful D/s arrangement.

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Re: New to the site

Post by Jimi123 » Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:12 am

jnuts wrote:There really is no such thing as a perfect husband. Nobody is perfect. It's the little things you can do that make the difference. Orgasm denial has made me a bit less lazy and a nit more attentive. When sex depends so much on your wife's mood and comfort level, you subconsiously(and probably a little consiously too) do what you can to make sure she is comfortable and in a good mood.

I don't like to think of this as bribing her for sex though. When I'm being denied, I DO feel closer to my wife and I find myself wanting to please her (sexually and non-sexually) because it makes me feel good.
Yep! I think the idea of having some goals to be "better" as a husband were in order for me. We decided that we both were kind of falling down on being good to each other. Nothing really bad (Violence etc) just not doing much for each other and being less into each other. Maybe its a
"phone it in" type thing we were doing. I think looking at some of the very black and white "ideal husband" stuff was kind of a shot in the arm. This is back to picking nits but I think being in the uncaring mode, not taking care of "shit" husband = not being appealing in a sexual way - period. I think we could go too far and have it become male live in maid service and again it would be "who wants to have sex with that?" But this is a personal bias. And now off to clean the bathtub and the cat box! :D

Anyway, being "ideal" or perfect? How much was I really doing? :? We've concluded that while I wasn't doing so hot it wasn't just one sided. Maybe one of the good things about this is at least it helped us ask ourselves questions about this and COMMUNICATE.

Mike, I've followed you and I really do feel for you. Celibacy is... A deal breaker for me so I think some kind of white choc vanilla chastity is about all I can handle. :lol:
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