Anyone know of a keyholder guide for only chastity?

[Barons]

I know it's a common theme in the chastity lifestyle to pretend the woman's needs are the only ones that matter but that's just stuff people jack off to. In reality both people need to have there needs met or there are problems.

I thought I could just let this go but find I cannot... so forgive me in advance!

What do you mean “pretend”

I have been married for over 30 years and the first 30 of them where OK but very focussed on what I wanted, when I wanted it and how I wanted it! Due to several different events and “things” we discovered that neither was particularly happy and we started to drift apart (My journey entries gives a little more detail. )

I discovered a fresh that I really loved my wife and I knew I wasn’t showing it the best way I could. There is no pretend. I am happy when my wife is happy. If I focus on her needs and desires she is happy and it makes for a happy home and great relationship.

What was really missing was ensuring her needs were being met and playing together, both inside and outside of the bedroom. Yes my pay off is/will be the occasional big O ... being locked up I am not able to “Jack off to” but the greater / greatest pay off is seeing my wife having fun, freedom, pleasure and more control over what is going on around her ! You may struggle to believe me, however it is the bottom line truth when my wife is feeling good so am I.

This is true when she is playing with my balls for her enjoyment be that lightly or creating pain. When she had her period a week or so ago each day she hurt my balls... to even things up she said.. Well I even accepted and enjoyed that because she did. She messes with my head on when I am likely to get my O .. Again see my journey page. They are all genuine feelings.

I think the challenge I see / feel in your discourse is that perhaps you only see one way of you getting your needs met. I know how best to play with my balls.. I’ve had them a long time however to see the joy on her face when she is playing with them the way she wants is just bliss.

I run an EMEA Software Professional services team and most of my working life is about driving people and projects forward, being in control and in charge. I run my own team and answerable only to my SVP (or is he an EVP now) based out of the west coast. Basically I am in charge. It is fairly classical that outside of work (and some other personal activities) I don’t want any longer to have the same drivers.

My wife is slowly getting into the more FLR style of living. I know we are talking about Chastity here not FLR but there are elements that cross over. My wife now controls when and how I cum, gives me direction on when and how to play (like Tom I am encouraged to initiate sex but she controls the if, what and how (unless she asks me to take the lead)) She also directly asks me to do things which gives her more time to enjoy life. My kick is in knowing I am helping or have a part in providing that for her.

I am rambling so I will finish with this... I have found that when I am participating in my wife’s pleasure, either by giving her more time to relax and enjoy life or enjoy a brilliant O it is then that I receive my own pleasure. Given it is not based on me cumming it is one which can be repeated many times a day

So I don’t believe there is pretending her, so please don’t just presume what you see and experience is all that there is.

Thanks for reading

m

Thanks for the reply, I'm happy you have such an awesome arrangement and that things are working out so well for both of you. I don't feel like my statement applies to you though. From what it sounds like your needs are being meet. You and your wife are both happy with how things are going.

I can relate to what your saying I'm also much happier when my wife is happy, that's a given. The thing is at this stage in my life my needs are more sexual in nature. Chastity helps me focus more on doing things to please my wife for sure. I even enjoy doing things for her much more after being denied.

I enjoy doing a lot of things that I wouldn't normally find pleasure just because it makes her happy. I'm much more motivated to please her because I want her to sexual tease me in return or give me mind blowing orgasms when it's time.

I plan out sexual encounters and practice talking dirty in the mirror to make sure I'll be epic when I pleasure her. I research ways to tie her up and read books about erotic spanking and come up with different things I can order her to do that we'll enjoy when i'm dominating her. I normally tease her a while and then give her an orgasm once during the week and then go all out on an elaborate plan on the weekend.

It takes a lot of time and effort on my part to learn what she likes and come up with new things every week to keep being totally awesome at pleasuring her sexually. I also do a lot more stuff around the house but I don't do all this stuff out of the goodness of my heart expecting nothing in return other than seeing the smile on her face. I do it because I'm horny sexually charged all the time.

Her role as my keyholder is to keep me that way by teasing me and stroking my ego and being sexy and flirty as hell. Did I say teasing me already?

It's awesome that your wife is able to fuel your motivation to make her happy. It awesome to hear from people who are getting what they want out of chastity.

My thing is I enjoy being able to do a lot of things for her that make her happy and bring more pleasure into her life. I'm trying to help her learn the best ways to motivate me into enjoying doing them even more.

[Barons]

They actually have a lot of other reading material if you into the submissive kinks.

Point of order: "Submissive" is not inherently about cross-dressing or sissification; in fact, most men who self-identify as submissive are *not* into feminization.

Sorry about that. I guess I spend to much time on imagefap looking at chastity captions. I've got a bad habit of using "submissive" as an umbrella for a lot of kinks that I'm not interested in experiencing.

[Barons]

Maybe I should write my own guide.

"The Man's Man Guide to Male Chastity - For Women"

I'll have to work on the title... and I'll need a really good proof reader. Damn Georgia education.

[Tom Allen]

They actually have a lot of other reading material if you into the submissive kinks.

Point of order: "Submissive" is not inherently about cross-dressing or sissification; in fact, most men who self-identify as submissive are *not* into feminization.

Sorry about that. I guess I spend to much time on imagefap looking at chastity captions. I've got a bad habit of using "submissive" as an umbrella for a lot of kinks that I'm not interested in experiencing.

And *this* is why I hate the term, and in fact, the entire cultural paradigm. If someone tries to look up "submissive man" they are bombarded with images of men wearing feminine clothes. If you're looking for any combination of chastity and submissive, you are hit with sissification and cuckolding, both of which convey a streak of humiliation. I've even read some pretty decent blogs and websites that start off great, but eventually devolve into "... and finally, you need to make him wear your panties because he's secretly longing to do so..." and that kind of thing.

Chastity captions can be cool, and I enjoy reading some of them. But it seems like most seem to fall back on the chastity=submissive=sissy concept, and I get turned off again.

[Barons]

I totally agree!!! I hate how chastity is lumped into every degrading kink you can imagine. I wish I could blast image fap with *** It's not a CHASTITY captions if all the images are about your wife fucking a black dude***

It's hard not to fall victim to it though. I'm not so bad as to miss label captions but in general speaking I'm guilty. =(

[TwistedMister]

My wife loves being the submissive one in the bedroom and has no interest at all in being the one holding the whip. I used to consider myself a switch but spending time in chastity communities has kinda turned me away from that. Mostly because everyone has a knee jerk reaction to point out all the ways we're doing it wrong.

It's not that I don't want advice or to learn new ways to improve but I'm normally hit with stuff to the effect of "You're doing it wrong your wife needs to be totally in control and you need to do all the cleaning and cooking and make sure she is sexually satisfied all the time without asking anything in return."

Yeah, I know what you mean. The only 'wrong' way...is doing it in a way that doesn't meet the needs/wants of both partners. Obviously, not all are going to get *everything* he or she desires but each must get enough to stay interested and involved.

I'm not into femininization or sissification, and doing ALL of the household chores isn't in the cards either. In fact, that's one of my stated limits- she doesn't get to just order me to do chores like that, our chastity/domination thing applies to sexual activities and personal services (serving her coffee or a drink, foot rubs, massages, etc.) only.

I generally do a lot of the cooking, but that's because I've always been a better cook than she is, though she has been getting better at it over the last few years.

No one ever says aloud "yea guys I talked my wife into fucking other men and she let me eat her out afterwards." At least none that i've ever met, but show up in a chastity group and dudes are stepping on each others toes to tell you about how your not doing it right if your old lady doesn't have you by the balls.

Yeah, I know of a couple of sites like that.

I say to each his own normally, and I enjoy hearing about how others do stuff but I don't want it forced down my throat by being told my way is wrong and the reason I'm having trouble because I'm not doing it right.

I'm trying to teach my wife how as well. It's kinda difficult because being a tease isn't really in her personality. I'm trying to get her in the habit of using her feminine charms and it hasn't been easy.

I'm going to take your advice on writing her notes. We have the exact same issues that are mostly due to past resentments. I also need to work on saying what I want to say with fewer words. I'm terrible about rambling on when I'm writing. Maybe is ADHD or something. I probably need a one day rule. Write her a note, wait a day then edit it and give it to her lol.

That's not a bad idea. But you'll definitely want to try to avoid puking a whole bunch of words at her all at once. One small step at a time.

I sometimes leave notes I title "Mistress Tips". I *try* to keep them short, not more than one or two paragraphs where I mention how doing a certain thing might be of benefit to her and that I might think it was 'hot' if she did something like that. I also make it clear that it is not some thing she is *required* to do (I'm not telling her that she *has* to do it) but it's something she could do if she *wants* to and how she could gain something from it, in addition to turning me on-we both get something.

Sometimes these 'tips' are in response to something she did or said and are meant to encourage her to take it further if she *wants* to.

I recently gave Mrs. T a 'lesson' in teasing/edging. After I was restrained so that I couldn't interfere, I coached her on how to get me really worked up and how to tell when I was close to 'losing it'. After getting the basics she was free to practice as long as she wanted...not that I was in a position to dictate otherwise.

Your reason for being dominate is much better than mine. I've just never been shy about asking for what I wanted and pushing to get it. I have a lot of trouble stopping myself before I bull my way into situations where no one is happy even if I get what I wanted. I'll probably have trouble figuring out how to explain how things benefit her because I'm in general pron to exaggeration and being full of shit. I'm a salesman at heart but my wife can see though all my bullshit fairly easily. Still though I'm loving your idea about the notes.

I really appreciate the reply, I think it will help me communicate my desires much better if I can take time and figure out how to say things eloquently in a note.

Here's your first lesson in eloquence and editing:

'Dominate' is a verb, a word denoting action. "I am going to dominate my wife."

'Dominant' is an adjective, a description, a condition of 'being'. "I am the dominant partner in the relationship."

Try to keep the notes short and focus on how {whatever} can be of benefit to her while meeting your needs as well. For instance, I think you mentioned that you were interested in being 'teased'. You might try to explain how teasing you gives her more power and control, since, if she holds the key and you cannot obtain sexual gratification unless she permits it, the hornier you are kept the more you will desire relief, which gives her the power to insist that conditions she might desire are met before she allows you an orgasm. Secondarily, you could mention that it turns you on to be 'teased and denied', and that it would turn you on even more if she were doing it because she enjoyed it and because it gives her an advantage (if that's how you feel). This explains how you can both get something you want.

Then you wait. Let her think about it. Don't try to 'sell' it. I didn't do particularly well at selling until I learned to make a suggestion and move on, and let the customer 'sell' himself. I found that if I just planted a seed, if the customer had any desire then the seed would germinate and grow, and *he* would be the one to bring it up again. I think it works similarly to the idea of 'suggestions' as applied by a hypnotist, except one usually isn't trying to induce a 'trance' in the customer (although some of the guides I have read on 'selling' actually teach one to do things that might be done by a hypnotist attempting to induce a trance, without stating it as such).

[RegularJoe]

I totally agree!!! I hate how chastity is lumped into every degrading kink you can imagine. I wish I could blast image fap with *** It's not a CHASTITY captions if all the images are about your wife fucking a black dude***

It's hard not to fall victim to it though. I'm not so bad as to miss label captions but in general speaking I'm guilty. =(

Oh yes...I'm very fussy and judgmental regarding filthy kinks not my own!

[poor]

A couple of quick observations:

A lot of autocorrect spellchecks on phones etc. change 'dominant' to 'dominate'.

That was the easy one. Now here is one drawn from my own journey which I've previously posted and touched on elsewhere. Trust me when I say that I'm not here to tell anyone that they are wrong. I know enough to know that I don't know enough to do that.

What if she doesn't want the kind of sex that you are offering? What if she feels pressured to meet your needs rather than explore her own?

I used to think I was some kind of great lover. What I learned from putting my wife in charge was that I was mostly in love with my ego. Her part in our lovemaking was to be grateful for new and magnificent ways I could think of to satisfy her & to be impressed as I strove for 'stronger & longer' (I often think this might be how OD gets on our radar - don't we spend most of a fuck trying not to cum?). It was all technique & no feeling. All I was thinking about was the 'how' of it and usually finished with the clichéd "How was it for you?" If you have to ask...

Another thing was that I used to worry whether 'it' was good enough (which really means that I worried if I was good enough) and the funny thing was that the better I got at sex, the less often we had it. Which made me go and look for more 'better' sexual techniques.

Hopefully you get the picture. It took me a long time to figure it out and it only came after doing the kind of listening that I'm not good at; to the words I didn't want to hear but had been told many times before but discounted because I'd seen a film or read a book that said otherwise.