[trijack3] Resurrected from the dead but WHAT have I gotten myself into???

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trijack3
Posts: 38
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2022 4:32 am

Re: [trijack3] Resurrected from the dead but WHAT have I gotten myself into???

Post by trijack3 »

39 days since my Reset when I cheated and gave myself a ruined orgasm. The calendar is crawling ever so slowly.

Sunday thru Tuesday, I'm feeling a good bit depressed. I guess this is related to what the Nofapers call the Flatline. I expected this. In the midst of this depression, two things hit simultaneously. Backing up, when I came clean with D, she asked how often I had been masturbating and how long I had been using porn to get aroused. I had told her that it had escalated over the past 5 years as I was beginning to suffer from ED and our intimacy was dwindling. But I had this nagging feeling because my memory wasn't the greatest and I wondered if I was being honest with her.

On Sunday/Monday, I read two unrelated articles that both said that our memory is affected by PMO (porn, masturbation, orgasm). I think this explains my poor memory... that and my shame of cheating on my wife with digital images and pleasuring myself ... which I think suppressed my memories.

I was listening to the Porn Brain Rewire podcast and something triggered a memory.... at one time, I had downloaded a bunch of images and saved them in a directory on my computer. This goes back before videos were so plentiful. I even remembered burying them in a tech folder somewhere. I went back to see if I could locate where they were because I knew they would have a timestamp on them which would tell me a point in time. I found them. Didn't view them. Looked at the file details. They were from 2006-2008. My conclusion was that I have been using porn off and on pretty regularly since then but not excessively since I have none of the withdrawal symptoms. But several of these images are burned into my mind if I think about them.

This made me even more depressed. I knew I needed to have another talk with D. She needed to know that this went back further than I had admitted and that it likely was a contributing factor to my ED. I also realized that I had lied to her at some point when she had asked me if I ever viewed porn at some time in the past.

Yesterday, we went for a walk and I spilled the beans. I explained what I had found and why I think I couldn't / wouldn't remember that far back. The shame was great! But she handled it without a stumble. She asked me about lying to her just as I was about to bring it up. I told her my integrity is critically important to her which is why I'm being accountable to her on a daily basis as it relates to what I look at, what I try to do to stimulate myself, and whether any of my triggers are affecting me. I'm amazed at how incredibly well she's handling it. It makes me want to be the best version of me for her that I can.

I've been reading and listening to a lot of material from PMO recovery organizations. One of the key steps they encourage you to take is to put porn blocking software in place and remove any trace of websites & porn material. They suggest tacking drastic measures if necessary and to keep them in place for at least 6 months. For me, chastity has been a more practical solution. If I can't touch it, what's the point??? With that in place, my wife in charge, I couldn't be in a better place.

I'm reading a book... The Great Sex Rescue... that has pulled me out of my depression. It dives into the real problem in relationships... lack of connectedness and intimacy (emotional, spiritual & physical). It starts off with the need for a man to "know" his wife/partner. This is the key that we've really discovered that has dramatically changed things for D. Divine guidance & chastity gave me the power & motivation to change and become the man she always desired. This was really encouraging.

D continues to tease me almost daily. She seems to really enjoy it. We snuggle and cuddle every night and every morning and it's extremely pleasurable. She lets me know when she wants an O by allowing me to caress her extensively and opening her "gate" giving me access to her garden. I sure hope this never gets old!

Yesterday was the first of the month.... time for our monthly chastity check-in. D did not initiate a discussion so I kept quiet. We had discussed orgasm denial previously and had multiple discussions about intimacy and my addiction & recovery process so she probably doesn't see a need to bring it up. I will wait until the 4th and initiate a brief discussion to specifically address the chastity issue specifically. I have reading material for her that will address "the game" long term.
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trijack3
Posts: 38
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2022 4:32 am

Re: [trijack3] Resurrected from the dead but WHAT have I gotten myself into???

Post by trijack3 »

Daily Accountability Check-in

Yesterday, I woke up with a headache.... very unusual for me. Maybe a result of drinking two beers before bed after not having had any alcohol all week. D woke up and said she hadn't slept much all night. Both of these left me feeling depressed and tired even though I slept well.

My daily accountabilty check-in requires that I report in to D on how I have done in the past 24 hours related to the follow 3 guidelines in our Chastity Contract:
- He will not look at Visually Stimulating Images such as pornography, swim wear & lingerie catalogs, other nudity or sexually explicit materials, or women dressed suggestively.. (“No VSI”). Seeing is one thing; looking is ogling.
- He will not tease himself physically thru stimulation of his nipples or genitals either manually or thru the use of any power tools. (“No Tz”).
- He will communicate any circumstances that are making him vulnerable to temptation such as depression, guilt, fatigue, etc. This also includes having given in to any other external temptations. (“No Tempt”)

Since depression is one of my triggers, I reported yesterday that I was feeling depressed and tired. Her response was that it has been happening a lot lately. I argued that twice is not a lot. She responded that it was twice in one week and askedd how often were you depressed prior to chastity / orgasm denial? Fair point.

Since yesterday was day 40 since my last orgasm, could depression be a withdrawal symptom?

My depression quickly lifted as I got into the daily requirements of my job. Listening to podcasts also gave me a huge boost as the day progressed. Over dinner, we each shared the high and low of our day. This was recommended as a tool to increase communication and intimacy in our marriage. We had a great conversation and my food grew cold since i was so engaged.

We starting watching Outlander on Netflix last night. A positive sign: the first episode includes a sex scene with lots of nudity; I was able to watch without ogling the woman but rather focusing on the beauty of a husband and wife sharing a very physically intimate experience. My wife and i were cuddling on the sofa together as we watched. Every time the couple kissed during the episode, I used that as an opportunity to kiss D. She had to get up early this morning, so no love making before lights out.

Calendar crawl: only 2 days since my last post! :| At least I get to initiate a monthly Chastity Check-In discussion today.
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trijack3
Posts: 38
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2022 4:32 am

Re: [trijack3] Resurrected from the dead but WHAT have I gotten myself into???

Post by trijack3 »

Testosterone levels

Back in January, I was feeling that my libido was really low and was pretty certain I had low T because of hair loss and calcium deposits in my arteries; I'm in my mid 60s. I tried an At Home / Mail-In test of my Free Testosterone which came back indicating that I was well below the normal range. I wasn't sure of the accuracy of this test given the mail-in process so I decided to consult my doctor. I've been wearing my chastity cage almost 24/7 since mid-January and have had only 4 orgasms in that time, 3 full and 1 ruined, the last was 41 days ago. My wife has been teasing me mercilessly almost daily since early March. I've noticed that my hair is growing at a much, much faster rate. And my ED is clearly resolved even though she has only released me a few times other than for weekly hygiene cleanings. So I have been confident my testosterone level had risen. My doctor ordered a test and the results came in; my levels are well within the normal range! I think that is good news although I'm worried my KH won't feel the need to tease me as often.
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trijack3
Posts: 38
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2022 4:32 am

Re: [trijack3] Resurrected from the dead but WHAT have I gotten myself into???

Post by trijack3 »

The knowledge that D said we should keep the cage on for at least a year has me buzzing.

We were driving for a couple of hours on an overmight trip so we had some time to talk about things. I had been listening to podcasts and reading articles about PMO recovery and some of them suggested a period of time with no sexual activity as part of a reboot process. I asked D what she thought and her response was "What about the spouse?" I told her that we could still pleasure her and give her orgasms. I then asked her if she gets aroused when she teases me and her response was "Definitely"; she doesn't want to give that up for any period of time. HOW COOL IS THAT??? Last night she took me to bed before it was dark out so she could play with me! She never takes the cage off and drives me absolutely wild!

I bought D her first vibrator for Mother's Day. It's a Sona. She finally allowed me to get it out to use on her last night. It was intense for her even on it's lowest setting. I think we came to the conclusion that I need to stimulate her manually a bit more to get her ready for that. But all in all, it was a good first play time.

At the conclusion of our love making, the bed was completely disheveled. I cuddled up next to her as we attempted to settle down to go to sleep. I reached down to adjust my cage and realized my balls had slipped the cage! We had changed out the padlock for a plastic lock in preparation for leaving on vacation today. The bar of the plastic lock is very thin and it allowed too much flexiblity in the cage that my boys were able to slip through the gap. I've got the smallest spacer on the Vice Mini which is roomy on me. I commented to D "I've got tiny balls to go with my tiny dick." and she said "You're just small all the way around!" :lol:

She got the padlock out and gave it to me. As I went to the bathroom to remove the plastic lock, since it was getting late, I asked "Can we just leave this off for the night?" And she said, "No. Go put it back on!" It's a good thing... I woke up at 4:30 with my little guy trying to get an erection. He throbbed and twitched for over an hour until D woke up.
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trijack3
Posts: 38
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2022 4:32 am

Re: [trijack3] Resurrected from the dead but WHAT have I gotten myself into???

Post by trijack3 »

51 days PMOE (Porn Masturbation Orgasm Erection) free and locked 24/7. My hygiene openings have been extended to every 10 days with careful cleansing.

D and I are on vacation at the beach and she is loving it!!!! She couldn't be happier with my attentiveness and our emotional connectedness. I, on the other hand, am aroused extremely easily! The other morning, she teased me and every part of my body is electrified by her soft, caressing touch. She had me moaning, groaning, twitching & thrusting for a good 15 minutes. I had started out trying to get HER aroused and she finally said "Roll over" so she could access all of my sensitive regions. By the time I'd had all I could handle, she was dripping and I was able to very quickly bring her to orgasm. It's crazy! My best foreplay is letting her play with her "toys", and I don't mean the vibrating and / or rubber kind.

She switched up her bathing suits yesterday and the one she had on when we went to the beach was impossible to take my eyes off of. I laid on the beach blanket with her for over an hour without closing my eyes, only switching positions so I could tan a little more evenly and find a new position and angle to gaze at her. My little guy was straining at the cage ALL afternoon. She announced later that day that we needed a break from the beach today because we were beginning to get "crispy". I was crushed! But there is always tomorrow!

Ii'm finding it easy to NOT get stimulated by all of the other bathing suited bodies on the beach. I'm sooo satisfied and fulfilled with D even without an "O" that I'm able to see other women on the beach for the people that they are and not as some sexual object. It's so freeing! And so much part of my training and brain re-wiring that has needed to take place.

Our last name starts with an "O" and I had been calling D "Mrs O_________" lately. But because she has been having more orgasms than ever before, I started calling her "Mrs O". She quickly picked up on the meaning. But I don't think she's picked up on what I'm hinting at when we're leaving a store or restaurant or heading out the door for a walk when I say "Are you coming Mrs O?"
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trijack3
Posts: 38
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2022 4:32 am

Re: [trijack3] Resurrected from the dead but WHAT have I gotten myself into???

Post by trijack3 »

Day 53 - was it only 2 days ago that I posted previously? Calendar crawling at tortoise pace!

Yesterday, woke up a little early and started foreplay on D taking my time, trying not to rush. She was into it and when I finally began to focus on her clit, she seemed to get really close but it wasn't happening. So she said, "roll over. we'll trying again after I play with you for a little while". She had me going as usual! She has gotten really comfortable down around my cage and was teasing my balls / scrotum getting me really worked up. When she started playing with my nipple with her tongue and playing with my balls, I thought I would have an orgasm. But that didn't happen! I guess it's going to take direct stimulation.

We played with each other for almost an hour without either of us getting an O. She started talking about needing to abstain herself for a little while.

This morning, we slept late and I was glad she decided not to play with me. Yesterday was too much and I don't know how I would have handled more teasing today without an O. But I did start to get irritable this evening so maybe I needed it. Who knows?!?!?!

Our goal is 90 days PMOE free but I don't know if she has any idea of how long it's been. I do know she realizes it's a long way off so she doesn't seem too concerned. Who knows how long it will be before she realizes we've hit 90 days! I'm not allowed to bring up how many days it's been or ask for an orgasm!
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trijack3
Posts: 38
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2022 4:32 am

Re: [trijack3] Resurrected from the dead but WHAT have I gotten myself into???

Post by trijack3 »

Day 58

After so many years, I now remember what it was like waiting for the last day of school before summer vacation! Time and the days just seemed to drag on forever. And boy were those summers fun! And far too short.

Friday... D teased me again unmercifully and then let me give her an O that took a fair amount of time to accomplish. This was the last full day of our vacation at the beach... the same beach & week that we had visited the previous year. The day was gorgeous and we had a really nice time riding bikes to a very secluded area of one of the most beautiful beaches in the U.S. After sunning, seimming together, eating lunch, and relaxing for ahile, I was up for a stroll on the beach but D needed to stay under the umbrella after getting too much sun during the week. I walked a section of beach that is completely empty... only sand dunes, powder white sand, and aqua blue water.... no people. A memory from the previous year came back when on a nearly identical day, I went for a swim on this same section of beach, removed my swimsuit, skinny dipped for awhile and wanked myself out in the ocean. The urge to do so again hit me pretty hard. My cage was the only thing that kept me from doing so and saved me from myself.

D and I talked about it two days later when I finally got up the nerve to tell her about my temptation and moral failure the previous year. She questioned me as to why my love for her and the teasing she gave me that very morning wasn't enough. I told her I don't know if I would have followed through on my urge if I wasn't wearing my Guardian. But when an urge like that hits, the hormones in your brain shut down the frontal cortex making rational thought difficult. The pleasure center of your brain begins to take over. This is why it's an addiction.

I told her later that it was a very good sign that I hadn't had a "trigger" moment like this in almost 8 weeks..... a sign that this 90 day PMOE free period was working and having the desired affect. Later, we were watching a show on Netflix where a newlywed couple were having sex on their wedding night and again multiple times not long after. There was a lot of nudity. I was pleased to be able to watch without feeling a compulsion to masturbate myself. Watching something like that felt so natural since we have been enjoying so much of it in the bed room ourselves, even without the O for me.

We've been physically intimate a couple of times now since we've been home without either of us having an O. It's been great but D feels a need to be abstinent for a little while after 3+ months of more O's every week than she's had in her life before. I've learned that she has a "responsive" libido as opposed to a "spontaneous" libido like I have. This means that I need to spend time kissing, carressing, rubbing, touching, stroking, etc to find out if she's going to be in the mood every day. She usually doesn't even know if she's going to want an O until we are in the heat of the moment. I'm learning not to be disappointed if she doesn't want one. And I need to continue to do all the things to make her feel emotionally connected and pleasured even if it means neither of us is going to have an O.
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trijack3
Posts: 38
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2022 4:32 am

Re: [trijack3] Resurrected from the dead but WHAT have I gotten myself into???

Post by trijack3 »

On Friday, she scared me during our love making by asking "Do we need to take him out and play with him?" or something to that affect. While in that moment I certainly desired nothing else more than that, the thought of not getting to 90 days terrified me. My first response was "I don't know". But then I realized that wasn't the right answer. So I replied "Isn't that your decision?" She didn't say anything more and didn't dig out the key. I don't know if she was just trying to tease me or if she was just feeling the need to give me an orgasm because I know she really enjoys doing that.
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trijack3
Posts: 38
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2022 4:32 am

Re: [trijack3] Resurrected from the dead but WHAT have I gotten myself into???

Post by trijack3 »

Day 64

Passed the two month mark last Friday. The days still creep along ever so slowly but we are getting there. D doesn't ask anymore how long it's been and I'm not allowed to bring it up until our monthly check-in. If this month is like last, we will have that discussion on the 4th of July. Since she's not paying too close attention, it may not come up until our August check-in that we've surpassed the 90 day denial goal. That would put us past 100 days. Oh geez!

Between being denied for so long and her regular teasing of me, which she is getting more and more adept at, my body is becoming extremely sensitive to her touch. We joked about finding a spot that she could touch that wouldn't get me aroused. But I seriously don't think there is a place on my body she could touch that wouldn't trigger my little guy to start straining in his cage.

One of the benefits of tease & denial is that my libido and testosterone levels have come back from the dead. I've noticed a little hair growing back in on my bald spot up top, hair growing faster in the areas that I groom regularly, and a need to shave my face daily. I used to skip shaving 2-3 days but, with daily snuggling, I don't want any thing to discourage D. Yesterday while showering, I realized it was time to trim the hair in my butt crack again. I like that area groomed for cleanliness. It was a veritable jungle! The razor kept getting choked up repeatedly. My testosterone levels when checked by my doctor recently are now in the normal range. It is good to feel like a real man again!

Rarely do I get the enjoyment of going down on D. She normally showers first thing in the morning after cuddling, coffee and exercise. By evening, she starts to smell an odor when she goes to the bathroom that is off-putting for her (but not me). So in the evening or the next morning when she usually likes to play, she doesnt let me go down there. Only when she has had another shower does the opportunity present itself. Yesterday we went for a 4+ mile hike to a waterfall. Between the steep terrain, strenuous exercise, and a little rainfall, we were both ready for a shower when we got home late in the afternoon. D was cold and didn't want to fool around in the shower. It didn't occur to me until laying in bed this morning waiting for her to wake up that I might have missed a great opportunity to give her oral sex. I was prepared to miss out on our daily snuggling session this morning if she needed to sleep in so I turned off my alarm to let her sleep. But she woke up at the usual time and I jumped at the chance to spoon her.

After about 5 minutes of holding her, I began to stroke her in an effort to see if she was going to get in the mood for an orgasm. After about 5-10 minutes of that, I tried to spread her legs so I could stroke her inner thighs and outside of her pussy. But she was having none of that. She said "un uh. Roll over. I need to get more aroused first." And then she proceeded to play with me. How incredible is that?!?! Her best foreplay is to toy with and tease me! And today was exceptional! By the end, she was playing with my balls and tonguing and sucking on my nipple which had me humping the air and moaning loudly. I finally had enough and rolled over on top of her. Having my full body pressed against hers, tits on tits, feels amazing after that much arousal. It feels like I could have a full body orgasm. I started grinding my cage against her pelvis and quickly realized I could have an orgasm. She remarked "Oh, you're not done!" I pulled off and dove down immediately to give her oral and she didn't try to stop me. She was moaning in under a minute and quickly orgasmed. It is highly unusual for it to happen that quickly so her arousal level obviously had matched mine.

My brain can't comprehend how horny D gets from teasing me. Mind blown!
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trijack3
Posts: 38
Joined: Sun Apr 24, 2022 4:32 am

Re: [trijack3] Resurrected from the dead but WHAT have I gotten myself into???

Post by trijack3 »

Monday evening, we talked about what happened that morning. She informed me that she DOESN'T tease me because it gets her aroused. She insisted that she does it because she knows I like it so much and she feels guilty because I'm always doing nice things for her. I guess that's a good thing. I forget for a moment that she's a responsive lover, not spontaneous, so she doesn't normally feel that desire going into our encounters. I asked her: "So does that mean you didn't get aroused from teasing me this morning and that I'm just really awesome at giving oral sex since you came so quickly?" And her response was to laugh because she had to admit that toying with me turned her on.

Day 65 - Tuesday
This morning, she started teasing me again after waking up and snuggling for about 10 min. I wasn't expecting anything since we had such an awesome experience on Monday. This time, I let her tease me for a long time and she didn't stop. By the time she was finished with me, her arousal level was obviously high. The "door was open" so I began stimulating her manually. She quickly started moaning and guided my handed for the best feelings of stimulation. She orgasmed pretty quickly and then, a first since our journey began in March, she guided my hand to another position to continue the post-orgasm stimulation. She usually wants me to stop immediately and just hug & cuddle for awhile. Maybe multiple orgasms are in her/our future! Two days in a row for her was certainly memorable!

Day 66
We both had to work all day yesterday so we were exhausted last night. No fireworks this morning!
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