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[bikelock] Not entirely sure where this is going

Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2021 9:20 am
by Bikelock
Bit of background first, I'm in my late 50's and my wife just turned 60. We have been married almost 30 years and I love her to bits. After menopause her libido plummeted and mine hasn't. This has led to some frustration on my part and guilt/anxiety on hers. As sex became less and less frequent I spent more time watching porn and wanking for relief. There aren't really any arguments or shouting matches , more of a drifting apart spending less time together. She has had to care for her mum with dementia and was spending most weekends away which added to my sense that we were becoming less emotionally attached. That is now not an issue.

We drifted into a pattern of no sex for weeks and occasionally months. My frustration would build, I would get grumpy and resentful and eventually plead for a date night. She would reluctantly agree and the pattern would begin again. We tried talking things out like having a set date night but it never lasted that long. She says she is too ticklish and or PIV hurts. In my own defense PIV has not been my main goal even from the start. I love giving oral and always was more focused on her coming than me. In one sense that is part of the problem. I often sense that she is just going along with sex but doesn't really desire it and that is a total buzz kill. More than anything else I want to be desired (but don't we all)

She has always earned more money than me and I have had the fun jobs. I get paid to teach kids to ride bikes or sometimes to watch monkeys in the rainforest or help the botanist look for rare plants in the Falklands (you get the idea fun but low paid) I am also a massage therapist but it never really took off in a big way. Women often felt uneasy about letting a bloke massage them even though there was nothing sexual about it and blokes all want a big breasted Swedish masseuse or ask for special thigh massages. No thanks there is the door. I was a house husband and raised the two kids

I have always had more of a kinky streak than my wife for example I introduced pegging way before it became cool and trendy. She got into it at first but the desire faded like the others. I also like a bit of crossdressing but I am not into sissy/bimbo play and I a definitely not Bi or Trans. In a lot of ways I have led a feminine life house husband look after kids be supportive of the breadwinner and crossdressing just feels like getting in touch with that. Before anyone comments I have exactly zero issues with anyone who is Bi Gay Trans etc. and fully support people's right to try and be who or what they feel they are it just isn't me. My wife started accusing me of being Bi or trans because I like pegging and wearing a skirt. Honestly guys when it is really hot a light skirt beats shorts or trousers any day. IMHO men were stupid to give up skirts after the middle ages.

I started thinking about chastity and researched a bit. I wanted to stop the porn and the wanking. It had gotten to the point that I wasn't coming with PIV because I had become habituated to my own hand. I also desperately wanted to try and put some intimacy back into the relationship. Several posts mentioned this as a side effect of chastity. I finally plucked up the courage to discuss this with the wife and her reaction was mixed to say the least. She didn't understand why I would want to do this. She thought it was okay to masturbate and it meant I wasn't pestering her. She also thought I was just trying to get her to be a dominatrix and she doesn't want to. I explained why I wanted this and she said basically ok we can try it but I don't want to be in control.

I got a HT nano (turns out to be a knockoff which I thought it might be) and away we went. There have been quite a few issues. The 50 mm ring lets houdini (left ball) slip out occasionally without me pulling or trying to get out. The 45 mm ring induces ball burn and very slow discoloration. Sticking to the 50mm for now as I have no desire to try and cheat but it is annoying when the little bugger retreats past the ring.

Relationship wise things are much improved and I really like the changed dynamic. I want to be with her , cuddle rub her feet etc. I am horny for her all of the time but she doesn't feel like I am trying to wheedle sex from her. We had an interesting conversation this morning. I have decided the HT is just not the right device for me. I suggested that maybe we don't really need a device and that I can just keep things as they are without. To my utter surprise she said no she thinks I should have one. We talked about just wearing it at home/weekends which sounds OK she also mentioned that I shouldn't be able to unlock without permission but she also doesn't want total control?????? Really a bit confused here. Anyone else gone through something similar? I am now trying to decide what device is next. Main options seem to be a cherry keeper (48 mm ring) or Blackout Evo custom build. I am definitely high and tight and a grower not shower but average when erect I don't really fancy going for steel both for travel and the weight. Security isn't a huge issue as I don't want to cheat but hygiene is.

The other thing I would love is trying to get my KH to be a bit more amorous /horny. I want her to enjoy the attention I long to lavish on her. A major issue is she is so darned ticklish. I haven't been allowed to touch her breasts in about 20 years because it tickles and EVERYTHING tickles. Any advice on how to get her to relax would be wonderful. I am not looking to be a slave, I am definitely not a pain slut or into humiliation. I would love for her to be a bit more assertive about what she wants and what feels good to her. Mostly when I ask I get very little response. I am hoping the answer isn't just leave me alone. I love her dearly but I am not ready for a platonic marriage and have never considered playing away even when we were living apart for months due to work. As I mentioned earlier I am a massage therapist so foot rubs back rubs etc got it nailed. Sorry for the epic novel and as the title says really not sure where this is headed just hope it is fun getting there. Any advice especially based on experience gratefully received

Re: [bikelock] Not entirely sure where this is going

Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2021 11:56 am
by shyguy
This sounds similar to how my wife is. She doesn't really prioritise sex and it takes literally weeks of build up to get her in the mood. We've gone years between having sex which caused the same feelings in me as it did you. I used to just let her decide when she was ready but since she never was it just got me grumpy.

I started my chastity journey just over a year ago and I can't say things have massively improved but they have got better. She isn't really bothered about having control either (she says) and she does not want to hold the keys. But when I had a break recently and asked her if she wanted me to start wearing the cage again she said she thought I should. So I put the cage on and asked her about the keys again and she definitely didn't want anything to do with them but she did say she wanted to use the plastic security tags. So kind of mixed messages which I take to just be her getting comfortable with the idea.

I also started with the foot rubs which she initially was not keen on. This has changed over time but it took a lot of persistence from me. I do as much as I can for her so she has less to worry about and I ask her frequently but without pressure if I can do anything for her like rub her feet, get her cups of tea, cleaning, etc. Playing with her hair is a good way of getting some contact without causing ticklishness and shows non-sexual affection. When she feels no pressure to have sex she is much more likely to want to be close. When that happens I have started to very subtly initiate more touching. If she allows it then I know she might be open to some kind of intimacy. If not I back off and leave it until next time, reinforcing that she is in control.

The only piece of advice I can give is allow things to take time. A long time. I made the mistake of going too fast too soon. In my case it has taken a year and I think I've barely started but at least I have started.

As for devices I literally have a box full of all the ones I've tried. Some people get custom made devices but I wasn't sure what to get so I just went through a whole bunch of cheap ones until I found one that worked for me.

Good luck!

Re: [bikelock] Not entirely sure where this is going

Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2021 12:04 pm
by Homebody
Welcome. It sounds like a difficult situation you are dealing with, but your wife is trying and that is encouraging.

If you are looking for a light weight cage, I have found the Cobra style nylon cages to be much more comfortable than the Cherry Keeper. You can find them on many sites, just search for 'cobra chastity cage'. Good luck.

Re: [bikelock] Not entirely sure where this is going

Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2021 1:20 pm
by Bikelock
Thanks for the replies. Reading back over my post I don’t want to imply that our relationship is dire. I love her dearly and feel pretty lucky. Apart from sex there isn’t any real cause for friction. We have both had periods of supporting the other in careers. I know she loves me and she also makes an effort to improve things. After all after initial scepticism she agreed to try this and actually seems happier with it than I anticipated. She tolerates my kinks I might wish for a bit more enthusiasm but she doesn’t shut me down or threaten to leave.She isn’t balking at me spending a bit to find the right cage and is genuinely concerned for the health and comfort of “the boys”. I guess I have a slight advantage over shyguy in that if she has any kink it is foot rubs and toe sucking. It isn’t really a huge turn on for me except in so far as it turns her on.

If I have any wisdom to offer it is don’t let the cycle of frustration-feeling pressured- pushing away-more frustration build too long. I am at least as much to blame for this if not more. She would ask what is wrong but I was too scared of her rejecting me further to be open. I knew if I brought up lack of sex as a problem she would jus feel more pressure. I hope giving her control even if she isn’t keen to be a Dom will help short circuit that. My main challenge now is to not let all the details of this new adventure take over.

Re: [bikelock] Not entirely sure where this is going

Posted: Fri Jun 11, 2021 7:18 am
by Noobhubby
. I am now trying to decide what device is next. Main options seem to be a cherry keeper (48 mm ring) or Blackout Evo custom build. I am definitely high and tight and a grower not shower but average when erect I don't really fancy going for steel both for travel and the weight. Security isn't a huge issue as I don't want to cheat but hygiene is.
If hygiene is something you are looking for I think steel is best. The smell of plastic after a couple days for me is just such a turn off. Steel makes things so much easier to clean. But I think aesthetics is also something you should think about. Especially if you are trying to entice your wife 🔥👰😉. My wife really likes the look of my Steelwerks device, we look at it more as jewelry. As for the weight is actually surprisingly comfortable. I think having multiple options is important and each style has its ups and negatives. I think finding something you look great in would help your cause!
I have some pics in the membership area

Re: [bikelock] Not entirely sure where this is going

Posted: Sat Jun 12, 2021 2:43 pm
by Bikelock
We are experiencing a few frustrating bumps in the road but still hopeful things will progress. I have been experiencing a bit of pain in the testes which has been going on for a while now. At first I thought it was just bruising but it has gone on too long now. The main symptom is just a dull ache mostly on the left but not exclusively. There are no obvious swellings or lumps so it might be varioceles or maybe related to prostate issues. This started before my first foray into chastity devices so I don't think it is related. I am out of the HT for the foreseeable future though as I just didn't get on with it. Currently waiting on the slow process of getting a PSA blood test/ ultrasound etc route to see if there is any serious underlying cause or not.

I am continuing to look at options for our next and I hope last cage. Thanks for the opinions and it might be we wind up with a steel cage but that isn't the direction we are currently headed. To each his own and who knows what the future will bring. For the moment though I have to wait on the medical profession to let me know if I have bigger things to worry about or not.

On the positive side my wife has gone from very skeptical of the whole "kink" to being in favour of continuing. I think she is starting to believe me when I say this isn't some convoluted plot to turn her into a whip wielding Femdom mistress. ( Not that that is a problem if that is your goal it just isn't ours) Despite the lack of cage at present our relationship still seems much better than it was before we started. We are spending more time together in and out of the bedroom. She is more relaxed about me cuddling and allowing me to kiss her on both sets of lips more often. We certainly aren't where I would like to be yet in terms of her desiring sex more often and think she still isn't completely comfortable with just receiving pleasure but I think this is going to be a long term project and I doubt she is ever going to be the randy wife from our early days and to be honest I'm not a horny teenager anymore either. I don't know if she believes me when I tell her that me pleasing her is my biggest turn on. That has been the case from the start. In fact she was shocked when just after we first started having sex I lied and told her I didn't have any condoms just so I could spend the time licking her. She became desperate for PIV and was upset we weren't going to be able to get any for a few days when I reluctantly admitted I has a few.

I am currently feeling much as I did when we first got together 30 years ago. It is almost like being back in that first flush of exciting totally besotted love. I know she isn't in this same place but she is being a bit more affectionate and has obviously decided she likes where we are headed.

Re: [bikelock] Not entirely sure where this is going

Posted: Mon Jun 14, 2021 6:43 pm
by Mermaiden
I am in a very similar situation with my wife not interested in sex at age 62, I am interested in sex (and also crossdress), and we are completely committed to our relationship. I just rolled out the request for chastity as a happy solution. 10 days into it, it’s looking promising. Much uncertainty. Reassuring to read your journey.

Re: [bikelock] Not entirely sure where this is going

Posted: Thu Jun 17, 2021 1:45 pm
by Bikelock
So things are moving slowly. I have ordered another cage, custom this time. I know lots of people like the holy trainer but just did not suit me at all. The wheels of medical science are moving slowly so I still don't know much more than I did a week ago. I had thought about putting off getting another cage but decided that if I have serious medical issues than I won't worry about a bit of wasted cash and if I don't than things can progress. Frustratingly it will take about 4-5 weeks for the new cage to arrive and then I am going to be away from home for a month looking after an elderly parent if Covid travel restrictions allow.

My wife is now bringing up cages at least as often as I am so I think she has definitely decided she likes the idea. She still has a few health worries for me but overall she seems to have embraced the idea. My thinking is if the new cage arrives before I head overseas I can use the time apart to fully acclimate to it so when I get back I can present her with her key and be ready to start again on a more full time basis.

My goal isn't to pursue long periods of orgasm denial. It is more to make her feel more secure and hopefully spark her interest in intimacy and sex. I would be perfectly content to spend the majority of time pleasuring her but I still want some relief. Her pleasure has always been my main turn on but I am not really interested in the how long can I go without game. TBH I have been there without chastity play. We would sometimes go a few months without sex and if I ever mentioned it she would just get defensive and upset or grudgingly agree and personally that was almost worse. I enjoy sex but if it feels like your partner is only doing it so you will leave them alone it is worse than no sex at all.

Here is hoping I have an answer one way or another on the medical issues and we can continue this journey.

Re: [bikelock] Not entirely sure where this is going

Posted: Fri Jun 18, 2021 6:02 am
by Mermaiden
Not sure if this will help, but it did get my wife on board, a Kindle book called “Locked in Love: two weeks”, ironically by an author names Keys. My wife connected to what he calls the ‘barter system’ of sex (and I regret I’ve been guilty of) and that helped her believe chastity with a cage would improve our relationship.