I find it a little funny thinking about where to start with this Journey thread. After all, chastity has been a topic within our relationship for about four years. I guess the question would be..."Why start now?" Maybe it's because my girlfriend and I are no longer figuring out what chastity means to us and it's no longer MY kink.
I'm incredibly fortunate to share a relationship with a beautiful woman who is full of love, a youthful disposition, and an ability to see people's true selves through all the smoke and mirrors. She's not a game player, a twister of emotions, a manipulator, money centric, materialistic, or a power seeker. Her life is simply centered around love and throughout our relationship, I've made certain she has the space to heal the wounds she's been unaware of from prior relationships. Ah, but there are a couple of tendencies she has kept to herself that create undercurrents which have always kept chastity as at least a curiosity. Possessiveness and control.
The topic of my masturbating is probably the quickest means to bringing out the monster in her. Intellectually, she believes that it's inappropriate for her to even be upset about me masturbating even though she feels to her core a level of emotional pain that causes her to shut down. This has been a central point of interest in our journey. I'm a problem solver and a giver by nature. I'm not only intellectually aware of her need to be safe by curbing my behavior, but also have a solution - chastity. But, as we all know, chastity as a solution brings about other questions and challenges.
The most significant challenge of seeking chastity has been her feeling as though it's not something that originated from us to further the type of love we want to share. It took a long time to get that through my thick head. She didn't want me to twist myself in knots trying to ease her insecurities that I wasn't responsible for. While that's incredibly loving, it felt like the slow path to understanding the root of those insecurities as well as allowing those insecurities to exist as a barrier between us. I just didn't realize that putting the chastity bandage on those things also created another barrier.
We had an opportunity to talk about these things during our long holiday drive last weekend. She reaffirmed that keeping me caged made her feel safer but she wasn't sure why. She sees chastity as something I need because of my own urges and kinks. The question she posed really kind of threw me aback. She point blank asked me if I would be happier with someone who really wanted to control their partner and enjoyed punishing them? Wow! The answer was a quick and resounding "Hell No!" It's where the conversation went from there that really unleashed the monster in her and brought us even closer as a couple.
She seemed both surprised and relieved that I have no, or at least very very limited, interest in a dominatrix. I treasure the unabashedly loving woman she is and that it's who she is that allows me to feel safe enough to share those inner feelings. At that moment, all of my kinks coalesced into one very simple concept. I shared with her in the moment that chastity, bondage, and every other little variant we've explored or discussed had one primary and overwhelmingly powerful thread - sexual tension. Her face just lit up, all concern washed away, and she looked at me and said, "Oh, I can do that!"
The week since has been incredibly sexually frustrating. I'm certainly not in the driver's seat when it comes to when my next orgasm will be. For her, I'm not sure I've seen her happier after telling me to lock up. She now looks at the cage as a tool to preserve the sexual tension she's created which has certainly been effective this week. She wrapped up the extended holiday weekend with me being too physically exhausted to maintain an erection and her exclaiming "This is the life!"
Yesterday, I wanted to check in on her to see if she had any reservations about the state of us. Her words were something like, "No. I'm really good. I hear you saying all these things that seem to carry this unspoken message that you didn't know it would be this intense and wondering if we can go back. But I know from all the things you've said before that you really just want me to do what makes me happy. You being horny makes me happy and turns me on. You being desperate turns me on. You being unable to convince yourself to have an orgasm without my permission makes me horny. I just don't hear what you say anymore because I know what you really want. You really have created a monster!"
And so, here it feels as though the journey truly begins. Bags are packed, car is gassed up, and I've handed her the keys.
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