[orinthsone] Yet Another Chastity Journal

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orinthsone
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Back in the Saddle

Post by orinthsone »

I think Ms. Jilly is frustrated with me because I haven't been updating my journal. I don't really know why it's been so hard for me to make myself do it. But it's been more than a month since I have.

I had a pretty awesome experience after the last time I posted, which I described to Ms. Jilly as feeling like my heart chakra opened up. Physically, it felt like an orgasm in my heart. Emotionally, it felt like being a teenager in love for the first time. I have loved Ms. Jilly a long time, but it felt like falling in love with her all over again.

She let me out and got on webcam with me on my one-week anniversary of being locked up. She got me very horny, and she said I was acting very submissive. (I suppose I was.) She gave me permission to come, but I couldn't. It was very hot anyway.

I probably should explain at this point that it has always been difficult for me to come. I have only come a few times during sex in my life, and that was when I was nineteen. Even when masturbating, it takes a bit of time. I don't know why, but I have good reason to suspect it is mainly psychological. It is even harder for me to come when I feel like I am expected to. I think one of the reasons chastity appeals to me so much is that I hope it will make it easier for me to come once I am let out. But another reason, I am sure, is that it makes it feel more okay for me to not be able to come quickly or even at all.

Anyway, things did not go well after my one-week anniversary. I began to feel very tired and had a difficult time at work. I forget exactly when, but I started asking to be let out, just to have a break. I was greeted with a terrible smell that, at first, I thought just meant I needed to pay more attention to keeping clean. It turned out to be a yeast infection on my skin, though, from not getting the underside of my penis properly dry after showering. I got some Monistat from the store and was out of chastity for a while to recover.

We took that unexpected time off to send my Jail Bird in to get the base ring downsized. I actually needed it taken down two sizes to fit properly. (Mature Metal has some excellent customer service, by the way.) It is actually the same girth as the cage itself, now. I am wondering if the cage itself could be smaller, but I am concerned about edema, which has been an issue for me with past devices I have tried.

The fit of the base ring is much better. The device no longer slips down. It does make erections much more challenging, though. That's as it should be, I suppose.

I finally locked up again for Ms. Jilly this past Monday, and have been in it continuously ever since. Instead of putting a plastic seal on the device itself, I drilled some holes in a metal screw-top pill bottle, put the key in that, and put a plastic seal through the holes. The device itself looks much better, and I sometimes think of it as (functional) jewelry.

I'm now at the six-day mark. My skin is dry healthy this time, thanks to a hair dryer and a product called "Fresh Balls." (It's a lotion that dries into a powder, and it really fucking works to keep your junk dry and comfortable. Even when the rest of you is sweaty, I have found. And it seems to work better than lube to keep the base ring comfortable.)

I am back to that place where I am feeling contantly tingly and horny, but without necessarily having an erection. Part of me really wants to fuck, and I am finding myself grinding a bit while laying back in bed. Yesterday, I toyed my butt a bit in the morning and then wore a plug in the evening for an hour or so. It was much more enjoyable for having been denied an orgasm for a while. It was also interesting because I typically cannot keep my hands off my cock while playing with my butt, but this time I had no choice. While wearing the plug and playing with it a little, I was thinking about how awesome it would be if it were actually Ms. Jilly fucking me tenderly with a strapon. Today, I found myself asking for permission to plug myself again while I do some household chores.

I know that in the chastity fiction, this is supposed to be some kind of hell, but I am finding it to be some kind of heaven. (Except that my balls ache when I get too excited.)

It probably won't be as long until my next post. I don't think Ms. Jilly would put up with that again.
Last edited by orinthsone on Sun Mar 09, 2014 11:52 am, edited 1 time in total.
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MsJilly
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Re: Back in the Saddle

Post by MsJilly »

orinthsone wrote:It probably won't be as long until my next post. I don't think Ms. Jilly would put up with that again.
How clever of you to realize this. Enjoy your chores. ;)
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orinthsone
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It's Starting to Get Real

Post by orinthsone »

I started today thinking maybe this chastity thing was getting easy. Around lunchtime, though I realized that I was enough in the mood that I would have spent the whole afternoon masturbating if l were unlocked, at home, and had nothing pressing. By the time work ended, I was horny enough that I would have neglected responsibilities in order to masturbate if I weren't answerable to Ms. Jilly for such behavior. By the time I got home, the urge to massage my cock was getting a little hard to manage. My cock feels like there is electricity running through it. I'm not begging for release yet, but my cock is starting to seriously miss being touched. This experience is starting to become the right kind of challenge for me.
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orinthsone
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I'm Feeling More Submissive

Post by orinthsone »

I thought I'd share a couple of tidbits from the IM conversation Ms. Jilly and I had last night:
Me: I was thinking this morning about asking for release. The reason I didn't, oddly enough, is that I was worried you'd say yes.

Me: More specifically, I guess, I was worried that you would let me out just for me.

Ms. Jilly: That's so interesting.

Ms. Jilly: Well, I won't tell you what my answer would have been.

Me: I think I worry that you'll be too soft on me or give in easily. What I want is for you to be in charge. I want you to never feel like you have to answer any way other than you might want. And I guess I want to make sure you kbow that.

Ms. Jilly: I know :)
Me: I kind of wonder what plans you might have for me, but at the same time, I appreciate not knowing.

Ms. Jilly: I have ideas but not plans
Me: I know that if I were released, I would find it very pleasurable. But, right now at least, I feel like I could stay locked up indefinitely if it pleased you not to let me out.

Ms. Jilly: Indefinitely is a long time. ;)

Me: I know. I am sharing my feelings, though.

Ms. Jilly: I appreciate it
At this point, I am finding myself thinking about my predicament whenever I am not specifically focused on something else. Tomorrow, it will be two weeks.
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MsJilly
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Re: [orinthsone] Yet Another Chastity Journal

Post by MsJilly »

I'm so looking forward to reminding you that you said "indefinitely."

And has it been two weeks already? Time certainly flies! ;)
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orinthsone
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Enforced Chastity and Self-Esteem

Post by orinthsone »

In the past, I have sometimes wondered whether my obsession with enforced chastity was compatible with healthy self-esteem. It's been a concern regarding my kinkiness in general, actually. It has been a subject of conversation many times in my past with a couple former confidants of mine. (Those people were far more damaging to my self-esteem than any other factor in my life might have been; but, that's another story.)

The thought occurred occurred to me again today. I think it's the first time I've thought about self-esteem explicitly since I've been locked up. It's maybe even the first time in a couple of months. When I dusted off my Jail Bird earlier this year, it was because my self esteem was great. These past few months, the conditions of my life are the best they've ever been. I've been consistently enjoying my life in the present, rather than working or merely hoping for a better future, for the first time. I was mostly free of past hurts and fears that had been haunting me. I put the chastity cage on because I no longer had fear about what it might mean. I was viewing it as an experience I wanted to explore.

This past week, though, I've had some emotional moments. Part of me has been wanting out. My explorations thus far have convinced me that it's feasible on a practical level, if not emotional level, to pretty much never have a break. The device fits great, and I have figured out how to keep everything healthy, clean, and even mostly comfortable. Some days ago, I told Ms. Jilly that a voice in my mind has been saying I need to come. Ms. Jilly's response was, "Well, you don't. Boys don't need to come. Boys think they need to come, but no boy has ever died of not coming." It turns out that I love hearing her say things like that; but, it's a scary thought and, as far as I know, 100% true. There's no reason I have to be allowed to come, ever. Ms. Jilly doesn't plan to keep me locked forever, but as far as I know she has no plan at all. It's the experience I want, and it's 100% what I asked for. All the same, the emotions have been a little bit difficult this past week.

(Of course, I could unlock myself at any time--but not without getting caught. The key is in a tamper-evident container. I can also pull out without getting caught, but that is a possibility I put out of my mind as best as I can.)

Anyway, the question of self-esteem occurred to me again this morning. Is enforced chastity really compatible with healthy self-esteem? Did I seek out this experience because I feel unworthy to enjoy myself sexually, or at least to be in charge of myself? Is the experience reinforcing such feelings?

My mind immediately segued to the fact my apartment is a mess. It's been a long time since I've had a consistent habit of picking up after myself as I go, and it's probably been a year since I have cleaned my place thoroughly. This, I thought, is a reflection of my self-esteem. I don't know if I've ever thought of it just like that before. I know my mood affects how I keep my place, and I know my surroundings affect my mood. But today, I had the specific thought that the reason I haven't been taking care of my environment is because I haven't been thinking of myself as worth being in an environment that is taken care of.

Anyway, I didn't answer the original question about chastity and self-esteem. But I did decide that I need to start putting concious attention into how I treat myself again. I dove back into exploring chastity because, at the time, I felt it was consistent with treating myself well and enjoying life. Perhaps I am encountering some negative things in this experience. But I have decided to put my focus on finding and taking advantage of the positive things.

During our prior, abortive attempt with the chastity device, Ms. Jilly and I had talked a little bit about the spiritual side of orgasm denial, and I believe I had started to experience that. This time, the experience has been about love and sexuality, not spirituality. I am interested in exploring the spiritual aspects more. Today, I sat down to "formally" meditate for the first time in many months. I was interrupted, but I was at least reminded of why it's good for me to meditate. I am going to talk to Ms. Jilly about transforming this into a more spiritual experience. It's been a kinky game, and a fun way to connect with someone Iove. But I believe it can become a spiritual act, too. An act of sacrifice and of devotion, maybe.

So, maybe the chastity experience is something I've only dipped my toe in so far. I feel like going in a little deeper.
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orinthsone
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My first solid month in chastity

Post by orinthsone »

Today was my one-month anniversary. It was a short month (28 days), but a calendar month all the same. Here are some of the things that my month in a chastity cage has taught me:
  • Four weeks in chastity is not so different than three weeks in chastity. Or two weeks.
  • It's better to be teased at least little bit while locked up than not at all.
  • It's important to keep my equipment clean. I need to shower every day and make sure I am thorough and get in the nooks and crannies.
  • It's important to keep my equipment dry. A blow dryer was totally worth the money.
  • Those biting and burning sensations that can happen around the base ring are a drain on my energy. I should not ignore them.
  • Fresh Balls, which is a lotion that dries into a powder, is better for keeping my junk comfortable than anything else I have tried. And I have a pretty wide selection of lube at the moment.
  • Once I have the physical comfort issue settled, the challenge is mostly emotional.
  • Even so, going without orgasm seems to be good for my overall emotional health.
  • Wearing a strap-on while locked up makes me feel macho. And powerful. And horny as all get-out.
  • It's true: I totally get off on being told "no." I like Ms. Jilly to be assertive with me. I like to be controlled.
  • It's really important for me to know that my keyholder is enjoying my chastity.
  • It's possible to be very aroused sexually without an erection.
  • My cock is rarely 100% flaccid. And it's smaller than I thought when it is.
  • My cage is almost certainly too girthy. And even having resized the base ring down, it could probably go smaller a tad. But one of those "anti-pullout pins" makes for a decent solution, at least in the short term.
  • I don't really think about pulling out to cheat, even though I know it would be pretty easy.
  • I do not seem to get desperate to come. I sometimes miss coming, but only occasionally, and it's getting less often. But knock on wood: I haven't been teased all that hard yet.
  • I enjoy being aroused even if I know I can't have an orgasm. Perhaps, even, I appreciate being aroused even more when I know that.
  • I enjoy porn even if I can't get off to it. And even if it hurts my equipment a bit when I watch it. (I'm think I'm going to say that I enjoy it for its "artistic merit"... lol)
  • The only reason I hesitate at all in getting a piercing is the time it will require me to be unlocked.
  • I like to play with my butt more when I can't play with my cock so much.
  • I am much more comfortable playing with my butt when I'm wearing gloves, even when I'm using toys.
  • It's easier to milk my prostrate than I thought. But it produces less fluid than I thought.
  • Milking my prostate makes me feel better. But it doesn't at at all feel like coming.
  • Chastity absolutely makes me more loving and submissive. But I still sometimes feel sexually aggressive when I'm aroused.
  • I want to come soon, but the idea of coming without Ms. Jilly being happy about it does not at all appeal to me.
  • I love Ms. Jilly even more than I thought I did. And she loves me even more than I thought she did.
  • Some fantasies don't play out so well in reality. This one does.
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Michele
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Re: [orinthsone] Yet Another Chastity Journal

Post by Michele »

Very beautiful and sounds about like what we've noticed here! :)
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MsJilly
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Journal Hijack

Post by MsJilly »

Well, I could get my own journal. But the idea of posting my thoughts in Orinth's journal sounds like more fun.

I was busy yesterday and missed Orinth's one-month anniversary of being locked up. We had decided that he could go at least a month before I let him out, but for our purposes I decided that a month should be thirty days. I have not decided what I will allow after a month. It would be fun to let him out, have him edge himself for me, and then tell him to put the cage back on right away. But it would also be fun to allow him to beg me to come...

Here are my thoughts on Orinth's twenty-eight days locked up, and I do not feel like figuring out how to make bullet points.

- I really like being a keyholder. I knew I would, but I didn't know where exactly it would fall on the spectrum of "It's kind of fun, I guess" to "THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER." Being a keyholder is much closer to the latter than to the former, for me.

- I really do want Orinth to get a piercing. He's left it up to me, and I keep saying, "Why rush?" but it's als partly that, like he mentioned, I will miss having him caged up for the healing period. Having him pierced and caged would be way hot.

- Wearing Orinth's key on a necklace puts me in an extra domme-ish head space. I love the way it feels nestled between my breasts. I like wearing it to work, too.

- I find chastity milkings to be incredibly hot.

- The longer he's locked up, the more I enjoy him being locked up.
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orinthsone
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Re: Journal Hijack

Post by orinthsone »

MsJilly wrote:I have not decided what I will allow after a month. It would be fun to let him out, have him edge himself for me, and then tell him to put the cage back on right away. But it would also be fun to allow him to beg me to come...
If only we could have our cake and eat it too...
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