Why doesn't he want it anymore?

[lmf]

I have a question about this chastity game.
My partner and I started it about a month ago. He first initiated it, saying that orgasm denial and ruined orgasms are very arousing to him. Honestly I wasn't comfortable with the idea but I thought well let's try something new. Beforehand he liked being dominant and sometimes I hated his attitude. So I found it a good break for me, too!
we started from 1 day chastity, then 2 days, than I would ruin his orgasms and give him orgasm every 4-5 days. We read about it together and as far as I learnd the submissive had to stay with the rules. So I would stick to my word. Once I punished him for misbehaving and once he was prized with orgasm for being a good "toy" - as he wanted to be called.
Suddenly he said he can't do it anymore.
I understand that it was too much for him. But he said he is not sure he can be submissive at all - without the cage-. and he asked for switching the roles. He got really harsh on me that night and I ... well being weak I guess, cried that night and told him that this is gonna make me hate him. so we have to stop.
Now in a month, what it used to be a great game of ours, an adventurous sex life, is facing a dead end where our desires are not really compatible.
I feel I let him down. But I can't be submissive permanently. I have my own ego, desires to grab him when I want. I like being grabbed, being under control... but I hate permanent roles..
Do you have any advice? what happened to him? It was his idea... his desire... he was saying he likes it... what did I do wrong? was I not supposed to act dominant and stick to the rules? I would let him out every day to clean himself. Some nights I left him free... I don't know.

Thank you in advance,

[Atone]

It sounds like you introduced a lot more than just chastity in to your relationship. The only thing that immediately comes to mind is that you just need to be very open with him and talk it through. Lack of communication is the cause of all problems but it sure seems to help most of them.

-A

[cb6000s]

But he said he is not sure he can be submissive at all - without the cage-. and he asked for switching the roles. He got really harsh on me that night and I ...

This is way to familiar and personal and I can't say that my experience is the same as yours but for what it is worth.

I said the same thing that I can not sure that I can be submissive all - without the cage. What I was saying that I wanted my keyholder to be be a 24 X7 Dom. She said that she didn't think she could do that. The next time I was in a dominate position I was abusive just as your man was. I didn't realize that I was saying that I wanted her to be more dominate. Fortunately she did.

She didn't become the 24 X 7 Dom but she did become more assertive about the orgasm control. We started at mutally agreed times for release. 14 days, 21 days, 40 days etc. Then I became upset about a missed day and i told her she had promised a certain day then it hadn't happened. Her response was the she agreed that I was right and that from now on it would be when she decided with no fixed date.

I have never been happier.

[lmf]

I didn't realize that I was saying that I wanted her to be more dominate. Fortunately she did.

First of all thank you!
second I have to mention that at some point he asked me not to tell him about my decisions and make them whenever I want. Because he kept asking me would you do that/this? what's next? and I told him he needs to stop asking and be happy with what I tell him.
But... now this is a bit funny to me, cause after the abusive night, we once again had sex and the entire time he was telling me how much he liked being submissive to me!
His exact words that he likes it when I hurt him, when I ruin his orgasms, when I edge him numerous times, when I humiliate him!
I was confused but didn't get a chance to talk to him afterwards. He woke me up twice during the night and jumped one me. from that night on, he's refused to see me. Not exactly in words, but he was supposed to meet me , he called and cancelled for some morning meeting ( which is irrelevant cause we always have morning schedules) and next time he said he's exhausted.
Do you see the link here?

I think we need to talk for sue. they say women are complicated, but ... what am I supposed to believe here?!

I appreciate your reply

Long lasting happiness to you guys!

[lmf]

Lack of communication is the cause of all problems but it sure seems to help most of them.

True
I will try my best as soon as he lets me see him!!

[Atone]

Sorry, what I meant to say is lack of communication is NOT the cause of all problems ...

-A

[fuzzydunlop]

Guys can get very embarrassed afterwards about what they say or do in the heat of the moment, especially post climax. Sounds like he needs to work some things out in his own head. Don't let him make his issues your issues. (Let me add that youngerish guys are particularly bad about this---i used to put chastity and other kinks away for long periods of time after indulging---and some sense of security comes to most of us with age)

[Belle]

Guys can get very embarrassed afterwards about what they say or do in the heat of the moment, especially post climax. Sounds like he needs to work some things out in his own head. Don't let him make his issues your issues.

Very good advice. My husband and I have gone through all kinds of feelings and questions about ourselves and our roles in our relationship since starting in MC. Luckily we are both able to talk to each other, sometimes though at the beginning we could not do it face to face so we did it through our blog. MC changes EVERYTHING. Another thing I never realized until starting MC is how much men's hormones fluxuate. Good luck

[fonetik2003]

Well until recently, my Mistress (or Goddess as I call her now) only used the chastity device we have as a punishment tool. It wasn't until later in our relationship that I realized that I wanted this 24/7. I'm thinking that he might still be at the stage I was at when I wasn't so sure about it? From what you're saying here, I'm thinking that that's where he is. I would advise taking it a little slower until the both of you understand precisely what you want. And then you'll reach the negotiation phase where you both discuss your wants and desires... From there you can decide what's best for both of you!

[poor]

My initial thoughts were 'too much too soon'. I've wanted this for over 2 decades and the last 6 months has knocked me emotionally all over the place as I've got to the nitty gritty of becoming a willing hostage to somebody else's desires.

In a partnership, both of you have to discover your roles, be comfortable in them and then decide where its going to go from there as a couple. It strikes me that he hasn't decided what he wants yet and you are possibly too eager to please him for this dynamic to work for both of you.