Answers to "Why?"

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Answers to "Why?"

Postby Tullyboy » Fri Nov 03, 2017 10:33 am

I'm just wondering if any of these sound familiar to any of you. I wrote these to my wife.

1. The take charge chick in you is pretty hot. It’ll be exciting to see that girl take control.

2. To remind me that sexual stimulation is for and from you.

3. It’s one way to balance our libidos. As we’ve learned over the years, we’re definitely on different cycles of need. Yours seems to be at about a week and a half and mine is about 2 or 3 Days. This may help with that; I’m just required to wait on your desire, not mine.

4. It’s new and different and sounds fun. It’s new hardware. Chastity is a new game with new rules to learn and understand. It may or may not turn into a long term game, but it’s fun to explore.

5. It makes other women inaccessible to me and reduces opportunities to be unfaithful.

6. I like the idea that closeness and sex are now separated. Maybe this can retrain both of us to more value intimacy apart from simple orgasm.
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Re: Answers to "Why?"

Postby cuyahoga » Fri Nov 03, 2017 10:49 am

1) Absolutely. I’m inherently submissive, and chastity and denial amplify those feelings in me.
2) Sorry, not for me. Even with chastity and denial, I still believe the relationship should be about care and commitment from both parties. I believe a dominant is responsible to and for their submissive’s emotional well being, and that includes taking care of their sexuality as well. There are some very different camps on that issue, but that’s where I reside.
3) Definitely helps with that. Especially when I’m caged, cuddling and snuggling can easily replace sexual activity and satisfy my needs in that department.
4) A long time ago for us, but we’re working on exploring more of the terrain than we’ve covered so far.
5) Absolutely and unconditionally not for me. None of this would work for me unless I was absolutely in love with my wife. And there’s no way I could ever even think about cheating, so none of this is to help me stay faithful. When my wife offered to let me go to a strip club one time, I declined, explaining that I only want a lap dance from her, and a dance of that nature from someone else wouldn’t do anything but make me uncomfortable.

Not judging anything you wrote; simply offering my perspective from where I am.
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Re: Answers to "Why?"

Postby Tullyboy » Fri Nov 03, 2017 11:31 am

Great stuff! I read your journal entry (very well written, by the way) which is one of the reasons that I thought to post this here. It became aparant that each of us has a different path and motivation (with lots of overlap).

Actually, our #2 and #5 are the same! My #2 is in reference to pornography and being stimulated by things other than my wife. I know that lots of folks choose that path, but it isn’t the right one for me or my wife. It really hurts her. So coupled with chastity, for me, is purity. Like you, my wife and I have a very happy relationship - even enjoying love several times a week. But what I noticed was that she was bending for me (sex more often than she needs) and that got me to thinking that I could find a way to bend for her.

#5. I would NEVER plan to have an affair - partly because the person that I’d be having an affair with would need to be ok with hurting someone else. And I don’t find that attractive at all. Still, I know how easy it is for NEVER to get caught up in the moment, so for me it’s an added soldier but not the only guard at the door.

(And the reality is that I have more tools than most shops, so if I wanted out, it wouldn’t be a problem, and no one would be the wiser. I believe that chastity is a heart choice first. A willingness to submit. The CB is just a reminder. In fact, I rather enjoy the feeling of wearing it.)
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Re: Answers to "Why?"

Postby Tullyboy » Fri Nov 03, 2017 11:54 am

cuyahoga wrote:simply offering my perspective from where I am.


As I said above, I enjoyed hearing your perspective. I didn’t want to derail your journal so I didn’t post there, but I thought it was interesting that you learned denial from Tantric sex. I think that our first experiments with denial came from “The Venus Butterfly Technique” which comes from around the same time period. Like you, we took the technique and left the junk.
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Re: Answers to "Why?"

Postby happilylockedman » Sat Nov 04, 2017 7:52 am

This is really to both Cuyahoga and Tullyboy,

Tullyboy, welcome to the forums. I'm already enjoying your contributions and Cuyahoga, I've been enjoying reading your journal for a while now.
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Re: Answers to "Why?"

Postby cuyahoga » Sat Nov 04, 2017 9:46 am

Before I say this, I’ll apologize to Tullyboy that this is taking this thread off topic...

Keeping that journal has had two major benefits going forward. The first was being able to go back and see how I was feeling as things were developing in the spring, and therefore being able to watch out for some of those pitfalls as we progress now. I had no idea until I went back and re-read it exactly how much I’d forgotten about. I was surprised by how much, which brings me to the second benefit...
I have a better understanding of why my wife doesn’t necessarily retain her own understanding of the hurdles we’ve already overcome. I think about it constantly, and I still forgot about a bunch of things. She doesn’t think about it constantly, so I simply cannot expect her to retain even half of what I do. Coming to that understanding helps me resolve and dispell the resentment I used to feel when she’d be totally blank on things we’d already tackled and overcome.

I cannot emphasize enough how valuable having that reference has been for me, and that is why I continue to add to it. I would love for her to read it, and hopefully one day, I’ll find her in the right frame of mind to accept that idea.

Back to Tullyboy, though ... my wife has never minded my looking at porn, though I do it much more when I’m not being denied orgasms. When I’m allowed to finish, during my periods of freedom, I did notice that although the porn starts me going, fantasizing about my wife almost always finishes me. When I’m in a denial period, I don’t need the porn to get me started. I can just think about some of the things my wife has already done for me, or things I’d like her to do, and I’m edging in minutes.
She encouraged this ‘entertaining myself’ time, as we find it reduces her ‘workload’ as it were.

As to the temptation to get caught up in the moment ... couldn’t possibly happen for me. Even when I was single, young and stupid, I turned down engagements when I could tell it was going to be very shortlived. Sex creates intimacy for me, I’m loyal to a fault, and the rejection inherent in a quick encounter was brutal for me.
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