Do we Really want Orgasms?

Living the real life under lock and key

Re: Do we Really want Orgasms?

Postby noid51 » Thu Sep 07, 2017 8:08 pm

I don't comment much but I just have to say Tom, your writing is so brilliant and so spot on! It's kinda like you are like Lewis and Clark and we can only follow in your footsteps. You've really helped me a lot in this crazy , wonderful world we live in. Thanks!!! And, I really don't want an orgasm. I want to get to the point that I really want one but I'm still denied.
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Re: Do we Really want Orgasms?

Postby Tom Allen » Fri Sep 08, 2017 7:18 am

noid51 wrote:Lewis and Clark


LOL - naw, I'm just a little introspective and I had time to self-indulgently write about it. I'm just happy that for some reason I've managed to help a lot of people along the way.


And, I really don't want an orgasm. I want to get to the point that I really want one but I'm still denied.


And that pretty much sums up what most of us are looking for, I think.
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Re: Do we Really want Orgasms?

Postby Onlyhers4ever » Sat Sep 09, 2017 7:23 am

I honestly get much more satisfaction from pleasing my wife than from my own orgasm. I guess I associate my orgasm with the end of the game. I would much rather keep the game going for as long as I can.
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Re: Do we Really want Orgasms?

Postby keeperof55 » Sat Sep 09, 2017 9:54 am

It's helpful for me to read the printed thoughts of other men here and to try to understand a different perspective. When my husband presented the idea of bringing male chastity into our marriage over seven years ago, I indicated that I was willing to give it a try. We've gone through different kinds of devices, but he has pretty much been locked during that time frame (out for cleaning/maintenance, vacations that involve constant back & forth through metal detectors, teasing, and intercourse when I want it.)

So here's what I have trouble understanding... and really, maybe it's just me, but I'd like to try to understand. My husband, locked4her55, is an incredibly wonderful man and husband. When I agreed to his initial request to give male chastity a try, it was all about putting my needs first (...and it still is.) While I enjoy my husband's continual heightened arousal and state of attentiveness, I do enjoy intercourse with him very much and would never want it to go by the wayside. I'm happy to deny him to increase his pleasure, but I haven't gone longer than 65 days without it.

So for you men who adore your partners and are all about putting their needs first, do they just not have a need or interest in having intercourse with you any longer and that's what makes this work so well in your relationships? What if they did want the feel of you and not a toy or device designed to be a substitute for the pleasure that you alone can bring? Would that be different? It's tough finding a balance of "being in control" in the relationship and getting what I want, but also giving my husband what he wants - which is to be denied and controlled by me. So, is your denial mutual or is your denial for your pleasure only?
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Re: Do we Really want Orgasms?

Postby Onlyhers4ever » Sat Sep 09, 2017 1:07 pm

keeperof55 wrote:So for you men who adore your partners and are all about putting their needs first, do they just not have a need or interest in having intercourse with you any longer and that's what makes this work so well in your relationships? What if they did want the feel of you and not a toy or device designed to be a substitute for the pleasure that you alone can bring? Would that be different? It's tough finding a balance of "being in control" in the relationship and getting what I want, but also giving my husband what he wants - which is to be denied and controlled by me. So, is your denial mutual or is your denial for your pleasure only?



I'll try to answer the above question (at least from my perspective). We are still relatively new at this ourselves and I think it still may be too early to say that it is really working well for us but nonetheless here are my thoughts. Prior to my starting to where a chastity cage I would say that the frequency of our lovemaking was only once or twice a month and, like many couples, I think it is safe to say that my libido was much higher than hers which just added to the stress as I was constantly trying to initiate something thus putting even more pressure on her. Not a healthy situation.

When I first read about chastity devices I thought that perhaps this could help us. By my wearing the cage it gives her the excuse or dare I say even the "right" to say no to me. (Of course she always had this right but I think we men are very bad at guilting our spouses into giving into our desires). From my perspective it would change her saying "no" from being a personal rejection to now being part of the game. Those were my thoughts when I first got started.

As I said, we are still adjusting to this game. I would say that my enthusiasm for it is much higher than hers but probably like you she has played along for my benefit. One early observation I have found since starting to wear the cage is that there seems to be much more sexual contact between us than ever before. Prior to my wearing the cage I think she was scared to touch me for fear that it would lead to something more than she wanted. This is not the case anymore. My wife has not yet transformed into a tease and denial queen (I can always hope) but I certainly have benefited from some added attention that I so desperately wanted. So was this all bout her needs or mine? I would say it was a combination of both.
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Re: Do we Really want Orgasms?

Postby braddogg4345 » Sun Sep 10, 2017 1:15 am

My wife loves intercourse. She absolutely refuses to introduce a dildo into our relationship. What works for us (most of the time) is applying a numbing spray to my penis. Then we also put a condom on me to reduce sensation, and also prevent any "little accidents". We usually use ribbed condoms because they help Her come a little quicker. Even if I do lose control, and come, it is the equivalent of a ruined orgasm, because I have no feeling in my penis, so I don't have an actual orgasm.

The only downside to this, is that we need to pause the action so that I can get ready for Her if She wants intercourse.
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Re: Do we Really want Orgasms?

Postby TwistedMister » Sun Sep 10, 2017 7:27 am

Onlyhers4ever wrote:I honestly get much more satisfaction from pleasing my wife than from my own orgasm. I guess I associate my orgasm with the end of the game. I would much rather keep the game going for as long as I can.


Why should your orgasm be the 'end' of the game?

When we 'play' the 'game', it is usually going to be for quite some time, a year or more (with the possibility of it lasting indefinitely beyond that). Having an orgasm is not the end of the game. Having to lock back up immediately after having had an orgasm is...well, I'm not quite sure how to describe it...

...knowing that I am going to be locked back up after orgasm intensifies both my desire for orgasm, and my desire *not* to orgasm- it's not that I don't want to cum per se, but that I don't want the stimulation to end, being locked means not just denial of orgasm, but also denial of being able to touch (or be touched), rubbed or get any stimulation at all beyond the feeling of the restriction of the cage and I don't want the pleasurable stimulation to end...I want to cum badly but I also want to enjoy the pleasure for as long as possible...but *she* controls how long it lasts, and the wondering of how long that will be intensifies the eroticism even further...

...and then, having to lock up immediately after, when I'm not 'horny' anymore...well, there is some reluctance and a feeling of 'submission', I don't really want to do it...but the next day the fact that I had to lock back up even though I didn't 'want' to starts to ramp the 'horny' back up quickly...even faster if the orgasm was 'ruined'...
07/01/17 "I *really enjoy* teasing you, getting you all worked up and then leaving you hanging." --Mrs. Twisted
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Re: Do we Really want Orgasms?

Postby Onlyhers4ever » Sun Sep 10, 2017 2:16 pm

TwistedMister wrote:Why should your orgasm be the 'end' of the game?


I hear what you are saying. I guess I just like the heightend state of arousal when I am locked up for an extended period of time. Once I am allowed to orgasm that level or arousal diminishes for a few days. Perhaps a better analogy would have been referring to the orgasm as the end of the round. As you indicated the game itself hopefully continues.
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Re: Do we Really want Orgasms?

Postby Tom Allen » Mon Sep 11, 2017 2:31 pm

keeperof55 wrote:So for you men who adore your partners and are all about putting their needs first, do they just not have a need or interest in having intercourse with you any longer and that's what makes this work so well in your relationships? What if they did want the feel of you and not a toy or device designed to be a substitute for the pleasure that you alone can bring? Would that be different? It's tough finding a balance of "being in control" in the relationship and getting what I want, but also giving my husband what he wants - which is to be denied and controlled by me. So, is your denial mutual or is your denial for your pleasure only?


You ask some very good questions here, and I don't know if it's even possible to answer all of them in one thread.

On our part, Mrs Edge enjoys the control, which includes the tease and denial - mostly the denial because the cage allows her to not feel guilty if she doesn't feel like having sex (i.e., intercourse).

That said, she does enjoy intercourse, so we don't do long term lockups anymore. We used to, going for weeks or months at a time, using a substitute, or replacement toy. But that changed, and now we're into other things.

We're 15 years older, too, so both of our drives have decreased some - mine slightly and hers, well, more so.

Yes, it's hard to find that balance, but if you keep it fun and change things around often, then you'll have enough compromise to keep everybody happy.
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Re: Do we Really want Orgasms?

Postby Cueball » Tue Sep 12, 2017 1:53 pm

keeperof55 wrote:
So here's what I have trouble understanding... for you men who adore your partners and are all about putting their needs first, do they just not have a need or interest in having intercourse with you any longer and that's what makes this work so well in your relationships? What if they did want the feel of you and not a toy or device designed to be a substitute for the pleasure that you alone can bring?

Would that be different? It's tough finding a balance of "being in control" in the relationship and getting what I want, but also giving my husband what he wants - which is to be denied and controlled by me. So, is your denial mutual or is your denial for your pleasure only?


I'm reminded of an discussion on another board from a couple of years ago regarding whether a dominant woman in a D/s relationship should give oral sex. A number of opinions were expressed, but the only one that made sense to me was "of course, if that's what she wants to do."

The pole star as I understand it is that the objective of this game is to maximize her pleasure, and if PIV (penis-in-vagina) sex is what she wants then that trumps his desire for denial.

But that may not be the pole star for everyone. You say your husband wants to be denied and controlled by you - well, which is it? If it's just denial, then he is in control not you. If you are in control, then it's not up to him whether he's denied or not, it's entirely your call. He doesn't get to say "control me, but control me in exactly the way I want to be controlled."

So, it's not that my partner is uninterested in PIV with the real thing. She is. And she gets to decide when and how that happens; my desire to go long periods of time without coming is second to her wishes.

Seems to me that a denial scenario where it's for his pleasure only would be missing the point of the exercise.
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