Growing dominance?

[zombiegod13]

Hello everyone!
This is my first post here and I’m excited to actually talk to others about the beginning of a very exciting adventure for both myself and my partner of four years. I apologize if this post of mine is very related to another thread on here. I’ve never been good with finding pertinent threads on any forum even with searching. Not sure why, but whatever.
My main point is that I desire to be dominated and controlled. And though my partner is excited to have me locked up, I am concerned of being locked up and left. He has had a lot of times where he doesn’t initiate sex with me for a while and besides that, he has never been very vocal or expressed his desire for control. Until now at least. It started with a little playful orgasm denial that he seemed to greatly enjoy, and naturally, it quickly spread into a desire to make sure that his word is the end all be all. Therefore, locking me up. He claims to really like the dominant feeling that this role gives him, and although I believe him and feel there is a very dominant individual inside of him, I fear that this won’t grow further in a way that I want.
So, how will my to-be keyholder grow as a psychological person? Will the moment that I am actually locked up result in a sizeable spark for him? Will his certain ownership of my body lead to a slow but steady growth of dominance? There is some sort of discomfort inside of him with the prospect of taking full control. He is also worried that he might not be good enough at such a role. How does the process affect a keyholder? As the wearer, can I help him into the dominant role somehow in the process? Any thoughts/suggestions are greatly appreciated, and thank you in advance

[poor]

Hello and Welcome.

There is no way of knowing the answers you seek. Mostly because we don't know your partner but also because your partner doesn't know yet.

Like yourself, he is redefining the boundaries within your relationship under the new permissions that you have given to him (either directly or implied) and this process depends on your reactions to what he now does probably more than you will realise.

The key thing is to be honest (to him and with yourself) and to keep communicating. You both will get things wrong along the way to finding out how this works for you both. It's a journey we all take (there is a forum on here where these journeys are recounted & an increasing number of MC blogs) but yours will be for you to take and will be about how you find your submission as he discovers his dominance.

For me, the things that have ended up giving me the deepest satisfaction (the 'soul butter') have been the things my KH has imposed without my input. It didn't perhaps go the way i'd have wanted but I now know that if it hadn't gone the way she wanted then it wouldn't have worked for either of us.

[Locked by LRC]

My main point is that I desire to be dominated and controlled. And though my partner is excited to have me locked up, I am concerned of being locked up and left. He has had a lot of times where he doesn’t initiate sex with me for a while and besides that, he has never been very vocal or expressed his desire for control. Until now at least. It started with a little playful orgasm denial that he seemed to greatly enjoy, and naturally, it quickly spread into a desire to make sure that his word is the end all be all. Therefore, locking me up. He claims to really like the dominant feeling that this role gives him, and although I believe him and feel there is a very dominant individual inside of him, I fear that this won’t grow further in a way that I want.

I think your fears and concerns are common on most starting chastity. Many of us started this with the same ones you have stated. It's often said here that in a chastity arrangement, communication is key. Your last sentence about what you want is where communication is important for this to work. Make sure to talk about what you want and desire from chastity. Then accept what he decides. You are giving up part of your control with chastity and that is why a workable solution for both is important for it to work.

So, how will my to-be keyholder grow as a psychological person? Will the moment that I am actually locked up result in a sizeable spark for him?

Many of us starting chastity only think about how it is going to affect us. We often forget about the KH and then in a few weeks in we can't understand what "their" problem is. This part is where I think communication is important. Putting the lock on doesn’t always result in an instant ignition of constant lust. Many here have stated how they thought it would, but the desire in the KH is the same as before chastity. What I found is the frequency and intensity of my KH has increased. Much of this is teasing and no orgasm. It is like a roller coaster ride. There will be times when you wish you would be out for just a few strokes and others when you wish the cage was back on.

Will his certain ownership of my body lead to a slow but steady growth of dominance? There is some sort of discomfort inside of him with the prospect of taking full control.

Some here have talked about their KH being more dominate in all aspects of their relationships. Others, like me, it has only affected the control of the lock on the cage. Each KH is different and this is something that time will only tell.

There is some sort of discomfort inside of him with the prospect of taking full control. He is also worried that he might not be good enough at such a role. How does the process affect a keyholder? As the wearer, can I help him into the dominant role somehow in the process? Any thoughts/suggestions are greatly appreciated, and thank you in advance

The best suggestion I can think of is try to get him to join the KH part of the Forum. Yes, it may be mostly women, but you are stating many of the concerns that lots of KH's have when starting. I think the psychological aspect of being a KH is non-gender specific.

All-in-all it appears to me you have concerns and forethought that can lead to an enjoyable chastity lifestyle. Just remember to have communication going both ways.

[zombiegod13]

Thank you both for your replies, poor and Locked by LRC. Both of your responses are reassuring for me.

Poor, I believe in what you're saying about my KH's direction being influenced by how I react, because he has been telling me that my enthusiasm and support have been helping him feel much more comfortable with the idea. Being patient, supportive, and communicative seem to be pointing the two of us in the right direction, and I am glad to have you verify such a state in the pre-chastity relationship. And I feel that by saying I'm afraid of him not being dominant in "the way that I want" wasn't the appropriate way to state my concerns. I am totally fine with my partner enforcing his dominance in the way that he so chooses. I suppose it would have been best to say that I simply want to see a resulting dominance of any sort, whether it be how I envision or otherwise.

And now Locked, thank you for sharing how many people entering such an arrangement end up feeling initially. It gives me a solid understanding of what I could potentially expect to occur when the lock finally goes on. We communicate about it a lot, but sometimes I have to pull teeth since he isn't an emotionally savvy person and he oftentimes has a bit of trouble expressing his feelings beyond a simple "I like it" or something similar. Despite this, I feel we do manage to communicate well, and I have a feeling that we will have more to communicate about once the package arrives. Also, I mentioned that he at least take a look at the forums to see if there is anything that might benefit him to read, so thanks for the suggestion. I assumed such a role would have minimal differences between genders despite the obvious logistics, and I'm glad you are welcoming of gay newcomers. I wasn't sure of how my original posting would be received on here, but I am glad to see I can feel comfortable in this community.

Thanks again to you both, and if there are more thoughts from either of you or others I will gladly read them

[RegularJoe]

My wife slowly grew in sexual dominance over the years. Sometimes it's a matter of semantics and the connotations associated with specific words; she was always a major cock tease, but when the term "sexual dominance" was mentioned, she was taken back by societal stereotypes of leather wearing dommes sporting whips. That stuff would not be her...and the major juxtaposition of her day to day sweet behavior contrasted with her selfish lust is far more erotic and totally stimulates my true submissive nature. None of the stereotypes fit the real intimacy of any genuine relationship.

As for the gay aspect...who cares? We all go to the grave far too soon...and I wish you every bit of happiness and comfort you and your partner can wring from this life. We're all looking for the same thing.

[poor]

The one other thing that I would advise for you to be wary of (from my own experience in the early days) is not to talk about it ALL the time. It sounds contradictory to my earlier advice but once you've handed over the keys it becomes everything for a while. Don't let the device become more important than the person holding the key to it.

As for your sexuality; what you do with your penis is your business. I like to lock mine into a steel tube and have no say as to when it comes out again.

[poor]

There will also be an upper limit to your partners dominance and it will get wearing for them if you are continually trying to push him into doing things to you that he neither enjoys or understands.

It is as important for you to respect his wishes as it would be if the boot was on the other foot (actually moreso given that your objective is submission) but it still can be hard to accept that you won't be treated in a way that you want by him because you can't make him want it.

[Blaeu]

My feelings are mixed on this subject.

On one hand, over the past year my wife has grown to enjoy her "dominate" role. She giggles when I try to get erect and cannot, she smirks when she is lying spread eagle and knows I cannot pounce on her, and she loves the fact that I enjoy catering to her sexual needs. I have helped reassure her everything is fine, I've told her that she needs to relax and enjoy herself, and in the process of doing this, she has gotten used to it and has even started "telling me" what to do.

All this said, I know I'm the one who has helped her get here. I'm smart enough to play my role well and give her the feedback needed to get my desired results. I know my wife well and can reassure her things are fine, I can react in a way that I know she'll enjoy vs. one that will cause her to second guess what she is doing. I make her feel confident that she isn't doing anything wrong and that she should enjoy everything that I am offering to do for her.

So, even though I'm in a physical cage, and offer to be her sexual servant, mentally, I know I am in a cage of my own making. I don't feel submissive as much I as feel restrained. I love what we do, but I don't feel like I can label it at "dominate" or "submissive" like others can.

I often feel the desire to be controlled as well, and she does an amazing job. I'm okay with the fact that I taught her how to do it. Each and every day I encourage her to be more ruthless and punishing just by the feedback I give when she takes an action. You can do the same, I just don't know if you will truly feel as if you are being dominated or not.

If she is not naturally taking the role you wish, I don't know if there are any other options.

[zombiegod13]

Sorry for the late reply, but school and all that jazz have been sucking up time recently. Anyway, I figured an update would be good... So far, things have been a bit slow, but moving at the same time. My KH has made some steps forward in the dominant role. He seems to be feeling it out quite a bit for himself, and at times perhaps uncertain, but all in all I can feel that he is genuinely enjoying this new change of pace.

Patience has helped. Same with communication. I'll be honest that I probably push the limit sometimes when it comes to beating the dead horse by bringing the topic up pretty regularly, but not to the terribly obsessive level. I manage to talk about other things, haha.

Again, thanks to you all for your replies. In general, they pretty much summed up what ended up going down once I finally got locked up.