best way discuss with girlfriend

[csp807]

I posted a much longer "background" on my situation on The Journey, but here are the relevant sections to get this question started:

One day [several months ago] she saw on my phone browser that I had been on literotica.com. She seemed bothered by it and later asked me if I played with myself by myself. I told her I did, not realizing that she didn't. She was upset and I told her that I would stop for her, but she didn't want to talk about it. I kind of slowed down (I usually jerk-off 1-3 times a day) but then got back in an old rut.

About 2 weeks ago I decided that I wanted to make a change in my life and started to eliminate some negative and selfish things from my life. Porn and jerking off were two of them. I stopped and actually put on my CB6000s last Sunday, about 1.5 weeks ago. We saw each other on Friday, me sans CB6000s and cuddled that evening and then went to bed. I was dying for release, but loved the idea that I had gone 6 days. On Saturday morning, we played, with her jerking me off and me playing with her until she came. I then told her what I had done and she seemed really excited. I told her that I wanted to stop masturbating, but needed her support and she agreed to help. Later that afternoon we started playing and she asked me to jerk-off for her, and then she masturbated for me. We played around again on Sunday morning and after she left, I put my CB6000s on again.

It has been 11 days since I last selfishly jerked off alone, and I feel great. I hope that I can stick to it and can eventually introduce her to keyholding and get a nice chastity device from Mature Metal. As for kinkiness, two interesting things happened over the weekend.

I spoke to her last night on the phone, she is out of town, and told her that I had been good. She was quiet for a second and then she said she liked it. We then talked about Friday and she said that she excited to see me and play with me.

I am first trying to do this to cut masturbation out. Can I do it myself? Probably for a while. We see each other pretty much only on the weekends, so would like to wear during the week and then be out on the weekend. Ultimately, if she wanted to take a little more control, etc, that is fine, but I am seriously not trying to get her into a 100 day w/o orgasm run or anything like that.

I feel like my approach should be the least threatening to her. She likes that I am remaining chaste, she likes that I tell her that I am, and I really only want to be chaste when not with her. I am pretty much already doing those 3 things, but would like to have a device thrown in with her knowledge and her as the keyholder. I guess that I am primarily concerned with the weirdness factor for her (I don't even know if she knows what they are) with me wearing a device.

[TwistedMister]

I...put on my CB6000s last Sunday, about 1.5 weeks ago. We saw each other on Friday, me sans CB6000s and cuddled that evening and then went to bed. I was dying for release, but loved the idea that I had gone 6 days. On Saturday morning, we played, with her jerking me off and me playing with her until she came. I then told her what I had done and she seemed really excited. I told her that I wanted to stop masturbating, but needed her support and she agreed to help.

This makes it seem as though you told her about the device, but then I'm getting the impression that you might not have. So, does she know about it? The answer makes a difference as to what advice we might offer, if she doesn't know about it yet you'll have to lay the groundwork a little more carefully.

[csp807]

I...put on my CB6000s last Sunday, about 1.5 weeks ago. We saw each other on Friday, me sans CB6000s and cuddled that evening and then went to bed. I was dying for release, but loved the idea that I had gone 6 days. On Saturday morning, we played, with her jerking me off and me playing with her until she came. I then told her what I had done and she seemed really excited. I told her that I wanted to stop masturbating, but needed her support and she agreed to help.

This makes it seem as though you told her about the device, but then I'm getting the impression that you might not have. So, does she know about it? The answer makes a difference as to what advice we might offer, if she doesn't know about it yet you'll have to lay the groundwork a little more carefully.

Yeah, sorry that is a bit ambiguous. I told her about my chastity, but nothing about the chastity device.

[TwistedMister]

Well, since she "agreed to help", you already have a bit of a start. I'm thinking that you might be able to approach it by explaining that it is difficult for you to resist the temptation, then asking her how she would feel if she could *control* whether or not you could masturbate or receive any other sexual stimulation.

If she responds positively, then you could go on and say something along the lines of how you have done some research and found that there are lockable devices available, and with such a device and her assistance 'holding' the key it could help you masturbate less. Maybe, tell her something about how you think it could be exciting for both of you if she were able to control your sexual pleasure even when she isn't actually there with you.

Perhaps, you might want to open with a question (at the appropriate time) asking her if she *likes* the idea of being able to control when you get to 'have some fun'.

I have found that, often, a gradual approach and a question/suggestion at an opportune time is better than trying to 'sell' the idea all at once.

(From time to time my various occupations have included a sales component but I would never try to sell a customer something he didn't want or need. Many people don't want to be "sold" even if they want or need a particular thing. I found that my most comfortable method was simply to ask a question or make a suggestion in the direction that I wanted him/her to think, and then let the matter drop. I would let him/her think about the [idea], and let *them* bring it up again. It was also the method that produced the best results for me. YMMV. I don't know you, and I don't know her, so I can't predict what approach would yield the best results for you and her.)

This is just one idea, others may have other suggestions or you might think of something else yourself.

[csp807]

Well, since she "agreed to help", you already have a bit of a start...

Thanks Twisted. I think that is really good advice and kind of inline with what I was thinking, but really like the validation. I am lucky in that she seems very interested and happy with my willingness to stop and sympathetic to my desire to stop for the negative influence it takes. I guess the concern is that it always comes down to HERE IS THE SEX TOY I WANT TO USE!!!, which is what I am afraid that she will interpret it as.

[csp807]

I chatted with my girlfriend for a while last night and the topic came back to us. She told me that she was really horny and I told her that I was too and that I had been good all week. I told her that I liked not doing it both for her (sharing that moment only with her) and because I feel a lot more productive at work, exercising more, etc. She said she was glad and that she liked it.

I don't think that I will talk to her about devices this weekend, unless we get off on some tangent. For now I am going to focus on having gone 2 weeks unsupervised and and go another 2 weeks to a month in that state and then start to bring up my concerns about slipping back, etc. I want her to see the benefits first and that I am serious about stopping, before turning into a kinky deal.

I'll report back how it goes this evening.

[Atone]

I would be careful with how I asked questions so an unwanted response doesn't shut down the process.

If you casually ask "would you like to lock my cock in a chastity device?" She may respond with "no, that is really weird I would never want to do that" without having any consideration for your feelings about the matter. It wouldn't be her fault for that either because you asker her how she felt about something. She may never realize how you felt.

I would ask more along the lines of "I would really like to add a chastity device to my experience, will you help me figure out how we can make this work for both of us?"

I have taken the first approach on things before and it makes it really hard to have a discussion about it later. It seems that the discussion then starts from an entrenched position and it is hard / impossible to get the feelings behind it.

[Cosmo]

I agree with everything that's been said and would also suggest that within the context of speaking about a device that you emphasize that it's safe, clean and not strange as there is a whole community around the world doing it. It's for the two of you and will focus you on her. If you're worried about freaking her out because she interprets it as some kind of kink - then focus on the practical applications while pointing to the research you've done and their findings. When we first got into it my wife had many medical and hygenic concerns. It took some time (and proof!) to get past those. And once the device was in play I made sure that she noticed a very positive change in my behaviour.

[csp807]

Cosmo and Atone...great advice. I think that she would actually be more concerned with safety than weirdness, so I think that is a good angle to address the medical issues first.

So, we had a great time, talked a lot about my chastity, but I did not bring up the chastity device issue. I really emphasized the positives through action, being really attentive and affectionate without pressuring her into sex. She knew that I had been good all week and when we went to bed, i thought that she may want to wait until this morning, and I wasn't going to push it, but she initiated and gave me a hand job. She actually started things by her giving me a back massage and then rubbing my cock. I told her that I wanted her but she said no because it is her time of the month. I then asked her if she wanted me to wait until she could. She said no and proceeded to give me an amazing hand job. We played again this morning, with her masturbating next to me and me playing with myself and cumming on her chest, then her cumming again

Overall, I told her how happy I was, not playing with myself along and that I liked saving myself for her. She told me how much she liked that. When we play we often talk about scenarios and I set one up where the guy is not allowed to cum until the girl tells him and she teases him for a long time.

I think that I want to self chastise for a while, maybe a month or so, so she can see that I am serious and it is not just some sex/kink thing. She likes the way things have gone and I think that is positive.