wonderingwife wrote:
From your key board to his eyes and then brain. I have no doubt he is reading because he was sure something here was going to make me “see the light” and I have no doubt there is a porn influence in his thinking.
I've been writing on sexuality and relationships for close to... OMFG, almost 20 years now. Jeez, talk about spending too much time on the internet. Seriously, I've been writing in various web groups and blogging about chastity play for over 10 years now. This particular forum has some of the most experienced chastity players on the internet, and we started it because we really wanted some place to hang out that wasn't filled with wankers and posers.
And while you've been presented with "Oh, just try it, you'll like it," suggestions, they were well meant. We're used to seeing questions on how to get started from people who have already convinced themselves that they would like to try it out. I'm not going to try to convince you that *you* will like it; if you're already experienced in DS play, then you know that some kinks do it for you and some don't.
This whole “do this and I’ll be better at x-y-z” line of thought really stuck in my craw, and thank you for calling bullshit on it.
Some of us disagree on whether wearing a device actually *does* make us nicer. My own take is that by engaging in a shared kink, you feel more sexually and emotionally intimate which motivates you to be nicer. And I admit that I'm usually more attentive to Mrs. Edge when I'm aroused, but I'm not (and she will attest to this) a jerk when I don't get my way, so make of that what you will.
At this point he’s put out somewhere near $600.00 for the three gadgets he purchased and all I can think of when I look at them is that money would have gone a long way to nice weekend away for the two of us.
A couple of years ago we had a poll on how many devices the members owned.
http://chastityforums.com/viewtopic.php ... 5&start=20
As you can see, owning multiple devices is not uncommon. I have not good explanation for this.
But yes, you're right to feel upset about this because it could have been a nice weekend away. OTOH, if you think of it as a hobby, then maybe it's not so bad. Don't ask me what I spend on bicycle parts and upgrades per year.
Frustrated would be a good word for what I am. He’s never been such a P.I.T.A. about a kink before when I said no, let it go. And the maddening thing is we have a good relationship, and now he has me wondering if I missed something along the way.
Okay, you're probably aware that when you have a kink, it just doesn't go away by itself. Sometimes you need to play with it for a while, and when you see that the reality isn't what you expected, then it evaporates. Other times, you discover that you're really into it. The trick is to find a way to make it work for the both of you.
In my case, I had read about this years ago, and at the time, thought "I've spent most of my adult life trying to get laid. Who the hell fantasizes about *not* having sex?" But over the next year, the idea of chastity as a form of bondage or control sort of percolated, and at some point, I started thinking that it was hot. This was before the advent of inexpensive devices, so I built one out of pterodactyl skin and mastodon tusks in my cave (Yes, I'm that old). When I had the fit right, I sort of, casually, like, mentioned it to Mrs. Edge, and she was intrigued enough to ask me to wear it, but it was never more than a few days or maybe a week or so. We put it away and that was it.
Fast forward a few years, we were having some serious talks, and I mentioned the lack of kink play that hadn't been happening since we were dating. After tossing around some ideas, she mentioned that she did enjoy the chastity device, but wasn't so big on the leather, handcuffs, etc. So I picked up a CB3000 and we experimented. What we discovered was that, while still vanilla, she enjoyed having the control over me, and being able to pick and choose the times when she would "use" me. On my end, while I wanted more kink play, I was willing to let her experiment to find her own level with this, so I left it entirely up to her.
Sometimes she locked it on for a few days or a week, and let me out. Sometimes I had to go right back in, sometimes I'd be out for a few days. She discovered that she enjoyed having me locked up pretty much 24/7, and only unlocking me when she felt like it. I learned to bite my tongue so I wouldn't top from the bottom. Eventually we experimented with me using, then wearing a dildo so she wouldn't have to forgo intercourse (her preferred method). From there, she then experimented with how long she felt comfortable leaving me locked. It turned out that we had bought a pretty adequate replacement for me, and she began to have me locked up for several months at a time.
It's important for your husband to know that she and I *talked about this frequently* to assess our comfort levels, and to talk about what we liked and didn't like. It's also important for him to know that we had to take the time to hear each other out. And it's especially important for him to know that I had to work very hard not to push my own agenda at her in order to give her the space to find her own level of comfort, and to discern what she was getting out of it. Fortunately for the both of us, I did not get all of my information from chastity porn, so I had some idea of what to expect.
If you're inclined to experiment with this just for the sake of keeping it interesting for him, then you need to figure out how you're going to get something that *you* want out of this.
In the 10 or 12 years that I've been active online about chastity, I've discovered that there are various ways that people can play at it. While the common trope is to have the dominant partner lock it on and leave the guy locked for months, in real life it doesn't quite work that way. Most guys get exceedingly horned up, and if they had been used to regular orgasms, jumping into this will make them unbearable. You really need to work up to it. Hell, you really need to work up to it in order just to adapt to wearing the device. The point, though, is that it's unreasonable to jump into long-term use.
If you're used to having sex several times a week, you might consider just using a device for a few days at a time. If you're already in a FLR/DS relationship, then it's reasonable for you to set some ground rules. For example, you're going to completely ignore his ideas of keeping him locked and orgasm-free, and tell him that as the keyholder, what you do is at your own discretion. Since you enjoy him coming, that's what he's going to do, several times a week. As a treat, you might deny him once in a while, and point out if/when he gets cranky. He needs to be aware of this. He also needs to be aware if/when he is pushing you to a) let him out, b) let him come, or c) to keep him locked longer. Quite possibly he will want all 3 at the same time. If it gets too much, just tell him to remove it and you're not going to play for another week until he gets himself sorted out.
Teasing is a big part of chastity play, that is, making him aware of what he can't have. Kissing and other affection is nice, and will enhance his feelings of arousal. At this point, you don't really have to do any extra work, and your own life hasn't changed. You can stay at that level for a while until he adapts physically to wearing the device, during which you can assess whether this is something that you think you could work with.
Another thing: a lot of guys get hung up on schedules. They want to be locked up for XX days, or they like to play a dice game in which it's randomly determined how long they stay caged. For perspective, Mrs Edge calls bullshit on that. In her mind, if *she* is in charge, then it's *her* call on how long I'm denied. A schedule, a point system, a random dice roll takes the choice away from her. Most of the time she doesn't even have a length of time in mind.
Also, be aware that many of us - and honestly, I've been guilty of this too - get all manly about this and try to beat some record. If I was locked up for 2 weeks, then next time around I have to go for 3. He was locked up for two months? I should be locked up for 4. What? You can't unlock me now, it's only been 83 days - I have to go for at least 91 to beat the last time! The "punishment" for this kind of thing is to unlock him and make him orgasm as soon as possible.
Jeez, I sound like I'm describing how to train a dog.
