I think it's over. . .

[MrsRindyNaive]

My husband and I have being doing the chasity thing for almost 2 months. I really enjoy it, and feel like I'm getting better. At the same time though I've noticed us arguing more than ever. We've been together for 9 years, and almost never argue, but in the last 2 months we've argued probably 5 times at least. He complains I'm not dominating enough, but I think I'm getting better. Now we're arguing because I didn't let him out for edging Mon night. I was planning to Tues night, but he spent all day complaining over and over again that I didn't let him it Mon night. Has anyone else noticed that they fought more when they first began? Did it pass? Is it an adjustment or hormone thing? I really do enjoy doing this, and feel like our sex life has never been better.

[Locked by LRC]

In my opinion, for as long as you've been doing this, I would call it somewhat normal. It's time for you to set down with him and have a discussion. First ask him if after two months, does he want to continue. If he does then he needs to understand a few things.
First he complains that you don't dominate him enough. Then he complains when you don't edge him when HE wants. Explain to him he can't tell you when you HAVE to do something and expect to be dominated. This is called topping from the bottom.
Assuming it was his idea for chastity and domination, remind him of this. If he really wants this he's going to have to learn to control his emotions, wants and desires. He can express them to you once but harping on it repeatedly will be unacceptable.
If he really want to be dominated he must learn what the definition is. Refresh his memory; To dominate is defined as to have or take control, or to get all the attention. Have a commanding influence on; exercise control over. If this is what he wants then he needs to learn self-control.
If he still wants to be dominated then comes the hard part for you. No means no, end of conversation. If you don't want to hear begging, complaining, whining, being pouty, then tell him so. If there's times you like to hear it, you'll let him know.
Let him know that you enjoy a nice hard one in your hand, it just your desire may not click exactly when he wants.
He may want to be edged, he will have to accept the dominate decide when it will happen.
He may want to orgasm, he will have to accept the dominate decide when it will happen.
This is a learning time for him as well. It's difficult and frustrating to have a strong desire for pleasure and not get it. He will need to be reminded by you often who is really in charge.
Think of him a bratty little boy and how would you handle him and take control. That's what LRC said worked for her.

[TwistedMister]

Think of him a bratty little boy and how would you handle him and take control. That's what LRC said worked for her.

Didn't I bring up this possibility in response to a question in another thread? I thought I did, but maybe I just thought about doing it and didn't.

Anyway, LockedbyLRC is on the right track with his advice.

Mrs. Twisted and I have not had a lot of 'arguments' over this, but we did have one *big* one in the beginning. It was really miscommunication and a mismatch in expectations.

Wanting to be dominated but only to his specifications would be something that he would have to pay a pro-domme for, it doesn't really work out all that well at home, usually, except in very specific situations. (I once wrote out a scripted scene/guide for Mrs. Twisted who had agreed to it as a birthday gift. It contained one or three 'unusual' situations that caused her to stretch her limits and inhibitions, but it turned out to be a good learning experience for both of us- she learned that she enjoyed, and was turned on by, things she would not have otherwise attempted, and I learned that the reality of experiencing those situations was even *more* erotic and arousing than I had thought/imagined it would be [in fantasy].)

I would agree with L's characterization of Mr. R's behavior as being somewhat 'bratty'. I have read discussions where, in the D/s world, there have been some who 'act' bratty in order to get punished, but I'm not sure this is the case here. However, it would seem that whatever the case may be, Mr. R's expectations (and behavior) need to be managed.

I'm generally not in favor of the 'total bitch' style of domination. It may work for some, but my mind runs more toward a 'loving dominant' style- gently firm and insistent, but not mean about it.

My suggestion would be to set up some sort of rough 'schedule' for when certain things *might* happen, such as teasing/edging, orgasms, etc.- things that might generally be considered pleasurable for him. The caveat, however, is that the occurrence of the items on the schedule is not guaranteed, but will be dependent on his behavior. This makes *him* responsible for whether or not something happens.

Let's take the 'edging' for example- perhaps you schedule it for twice a week (if that is convenient for you, and you want to do it). However, make him aware that any complaints about it, or even a suggestion that it happen at other than the scheduled date/time will result in cancellation of the next scheduled occurrence of that event. You might want to add an additional penalty of his next scheduled orgasm being delayed as well (a day, a week, depending on how often he gets them now). He is now responsible for his behavior- if he behaves the way you want, he gets rewarded (pleasure), and if he does not, then the 'reward' is revoked (this isn't quite the same as being 'punished', merely the reward being withheld).

Obviously, this is just a general suggestion of an idea, and it will need to be modified to fit *your* particular circumstances and personality.

For best results, focus on changing one small thing at a time, something that will be relatively simple/easy for him to change, and then build on that in the future. Once you have successfully modified a particular behavior, you can let that become the new 'normal' for a period of time, and then introduce another small change. Eventually, you may want to increase the time between 'rewards', which will make them more 'valuable' to him, making delay or revocation more 'costly' and less desirable.

A minor variation, if you wish, might be to give him the option to have his 'reward' restored (if it has been revoked) if he does some particular thing you want done (this could be pleasuring you orally with out anything in return, massaging your feet, or putting up a shelf).

This method is rooted in 'Pavlovian conditioning' (google Ivan Petrovich Pavlov), in which behavior is modified by presenting a 'reward' in response to a desired action. This is a well-known phenomenon in Psychology, that shows that new behaviors can be learned. This is also sometimes called 'classical conditioning', and it can occur with or without the subject's realization that it is occurring.

This is the 'carrot' in the 'carrot and stick' method...the stick can be introduced later, if desired.

[MrsRindyNaive]

If he is willing to try again, I think a rough schedule of 2 or 3 edging sessions a week would work out wonderfully. Then he would have an idea of when he would be getting attention, and I would have a better idea of when the last time I have him attention, and sold give him attention again. I think I'm a loving dominate. I don't think on horribly mean, and definetly not bitchy, I don't think at least.

[TwistedMister]

I think I'm a loving dominate. I don't think on horribly mean, and definetly not bitchy, I don't think at least.

Sometimes, appearing to be [just a little bit] mean can be useful. For most folks it wouldn't work as a constant condition, but in the 'loving domination' style the use of it occasionally lets him know that he *really* screwed up...or if he *likes* that sort of thing it might be a reward (I could get into that once in a while, though I prefer the 'deviously evil' scenario).

[poptart1200]

If the chastity was his idea, then the next time he wines about not getting teased enough, throw him the keys and tell him you're done playing. He will most likely back track on his complaints and not like the idea of you quitting. He might ask you not to quit. If that happens then you know you have the upper hand and you can create the rules. Remind him that it is the woman who has ALL the power over his cock (or should I say *your* cock) and only YOU have the power to decide when and if things happen to said cock. This would be the perfect time to set down hard rules that he *must* follow if he wants you to continue holding the keys. If he is truly serious about chastity, then he either has to accept that you have all the control or you should just end it now, but continuing to let him top from the bottom is going to only make things worse for you down the road. Good luck.

[TwistedMister]

If the chastity was his idea, then the next time he wines about not getting teased enough, throw him the keys and tell him you're done playing. He will most likely back track on his complaints and not like the idea of you quitting.

You must have missed the part where she said that she likes it, she wants it to continue, so that won't work for her.

I've seen this suggestion made a number of times, but it isn't appropriate for everyone and every situation, and particularly not for those situations where the primary desire is a loss of control/power exchange- it sends the message that all he has to do is be a dick and the 'game' will end, he still has control.

Personally, I think this is a bad idea in *most* cases. The sort of attitude presented could easily shut down communication and evoke some combination of anger and/or shame and other negative emotional responses.

It's a much better idea to sit down and have a calm, rational discussion of expectations and desires, and come to an agreement that will work for both.

[poptart1200]

You must have missed the part where she said that she likes it, she wants it to continue, so that won't work for her.

You must have missed the part where she is coming to our forum for real suggestions and this is not a situation for a sit down to calmly discuss feelings. He's topping from the bottom and people doing that only respond to tough love. In your scenario, she will continue to look weak in his eyes. He will promise to change and in less than a week, he'll be right back to bitching about not getting his "promised" edging.

Giving back the keys is playing on the basic laws of attraction. When dating someone new, if you show too much interest to quickly, the other person will pull back because you become a predictable doormat and you end up in the friend zone. But if you suddenly pull back and make yourself less available, then you become a challenge, you become interesting and unpredictable.

Same thing applies here. If she gives him the keys, not only does it remind him that he can't effectively do chastity alone, but it projects the image that she could take the game or leave it and even though she might really like it, he doesn't need to know that.

Of course he won't want to stop and he will beg her to continue playing!! It is THEN that she will have the control and can state her rules as to how things will progress moving forward with the clear expectation that if any of her rules are broken that the game will stop.

Now on the slight chance that he does call her bluff and takes back the keys, then she will know that he wasn't serious to begin with and it will save a lot of time and drama.

[keeperof55]

Has anyone else noticed that they fought more when they first began? Did it pass? Is it an adjustment or hormone thing? I really do enjoy doing this, and feel like our sex life has never been better.

Not fought, but disagreed. He was a bit more "testy"... but I think it's par for the course. It's something new and different. I had to keep reminding myself that this was his idea and he could change it anytime he wanted if it truly was physically uncomfortable. It did pass, but during all the newness of it, I found that asking him how he was feeling, was the lotion we bought for the ring helping, was a change in underwear style helpful...etc. showed a cared about him physically and that this wasn't all about having him "hurt with desire." I didn't take the bait to enter into disagreements that could have escalated. Not to be offensive to any men reading this, but treating him like a young child during the "adjustment" helped. You know those little ones who keep asking "Why?" Definitely not a hormonal thing. Extra TLC helped too.

[TwistedMister]

You must have missed the part where she is coming to our forum for real suggestions...

Nope, I got that and gave mine. OK, you have your opinion and I have mine, and it's not likely the twain shall meet. No point in arguing, and I don't have a vested interest in 'being right' since it *is* a matter of opinion rather than fact. We have given our opinions/suggestions and it is up to the OP to determine which course of action seems best for their situation.