[LockedandLoved] Back to the Start Again

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LockedandLoved
Posts: 83
Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 9:18 am
Location: east coast

[LockedandLoved] Back to the Start Again

Post by LockedandLoved »

This post is an attempt to retell my chastity story from when I first discovered this lifestyle to where I am at today. I am not going to bore you with every little detail as most are not particularly relevant. My wonderful KH and GF, MK, has asked me to write out my thoughts. I suspect she has several reasons for wanting me to do this but I also have reasons for expressing my thoughts on chastity and my relationship with MK.
First off the stats! I am a mid-40’s age male. I have a couple degrees which I haven’t really used to my full advantage. I have been married and divorced twice. I have been addicted to pornography for at least 20 years and my sex life, in between having sex with real women, has revolved mostly around porn, masturbation and orgasm (PMO). This cycle of PMO has had nothing but negative consequences for my marriages, my career, my drive….my life. I estimate I have had at least 5000 orgasms since discovering masturbation at the age of 12 and quite frankly the vast majority of those orgasms have been meaningless. I am a sex addict, addicted to porn and masturbation.

I “discovered” male chastity about 3 years ago. To be honest, I was merely searching for yet another kink to use as fodder for masturbation. See, that’s the problem with getting addicted to porn. Once those neural pathways are rewritten in your brain, you need to keep getting those hits of dopamine. Often the stimulation you have been using is not good enough so you seek out varied and different ways to get your high. For me, this process involved finding different types of porn. I always needed exposure to new and different kinks to get my fix. I must have watched literally every type of porn that’s available (note I have not and WILL not ever watch child porn as it’s morally and legally wrong). Chastity, at first, was just another item on my bucket list of porn. I would read about it, look at images, watch videos, jerk off. Rinse and repeat.

I eventually found my way to the chastity forums. I had always enjoyed porn videos (I estimate I have seen thousands or at least snippets of thousands) but I also enjoyed reading stories and such. Reading a story lets you create the scene in your mind and as every porn addict knows, the mental scene in your mind is even more powerful than seeing it on screen.

For some reason, I decided to read the posts of people actually living in chastity and not just the stories. I remember thinking that if the stories were getting me this hot and bothered then real life accounts had the potential to be even hotter! These people, mostly men in chastity, were living out my fantasy. They had women in their lives that were controlling them to one extent or another by using chastity. Wow!! Stories coming to life!

I knew right away that I wanted to incorporate chastity into my life. It would be great. I would be living the fantasy, always wearing a version of a sex toy. It would be a constant reminder of kink. There were two problems with this mindset.

First off I was in a relationship at the time that was not conducive to utilizing chastity. I am not going to go into detail but it just wasn’t the right situation. The second problem with this idea was that male chastity really wasn’t just about kink. As I read more and more accounts of the members of the forum, I realized that chastity could be a kink but it could also be a possible solution to my main problem…PMO. I knew that all the porn and masturbation was detrimental but I just couldn’t seem to break out of the cycle. Maybe chastity could help if someone else was in control of my penis.

Fast forward a couple years….
My previous relationship had ended after 7 years with absolutely nothing to show for it except the fact I was seven years older. I met my current GF, MK. We went out and had a great time. One date led to two, two led to three. Eventually we had sex and it was amazing. I knew that even though we had gotten off to a great start, I needed to let her know about my particular issues especially with PMO.
Telling someone you just started dating that you are a sex addict is not exactly easy. My initial thought was that there was a good chance she would just leave. She would just give up on me as I had mostly given up on myself at this point. I would not have blamed her one bit. I mean why put yourself into that situation? I also knew that by this point in life everyone around my age had some baggage. I just wasn’t sure she was ready or able to pick mine up.

So we had the talk. I told her everything. Well…most everything. I told her about PMO. I told her about my marriages, about kink, about all the wonderful (terrible) things I had done over the years. I told her I needed kink in my relationships and I had been denying that fact. She sat and listened, wide eyed and alert. I would have loved to been in her brain at that moment to experience that conversation from her point of view. Still, she had not left. She just sat and took it all in.

What I largely left out of the discussion was chastity. It’s funny looking back at this conversation now but at that moment I painted myself as someone with a need to dominate my significant other. I told her I liked to restrain my mate and have my way with her. The funny part is it was ME that wanted these things. I was the one who needed a dominant mate who could take control of that which had controlled me ….PMO.
She listened. She eventually asked questions. I watched her very closely and realized that this woman was different. She was special. She had just heard this crazy over the top revelation from someone she hardly knew and she took it all in stride. I think I had intrigued her. It was like hearing about a world which she knew existed but had never experienced. She wanted to know more.

So we progressed from that night by incorporating kink into our relationship. It started as me with the more dominant partner but slowly, almost imperceptibly, I encouraged and supported her exploring the dominant side. At some point, chastity came up. I showed her a Jailbird which I had purchased some time ago in hopes of finding the right partner. She was interested in knowing more and soon I hit her with an avalanche of links, websites, pictures, videos, etc. It was overwhelming for her.

I let MK know that I wanted her to lock me up and control the key. She had no real idea what this meant (for that matter neither did I at this point) but she was game. YES!! I had found someone to play this game with me. I was really happy. That happiness was short lived.

The enormous amount of attention I was giving to chastity was far more than MK could absorb. Every week, every day sometimes we were changing the “rules” of chastity. I was giving her no room to grown and learn as a keyholder. Meanwhile I was thinking of ways to slip out of the JB or even pick the lock. After all, what good was the kink of chastity if I couldn’t masturbate about it? I was a totally clueless noob!
Predictably, this first chastity experiment failed. The sheer volume of attention, the changing rules….it all came crashing down. It failed. I had failed. MK was upset and I was depressed. Why couldn’t I get this right? Where had it all gone wrong?

We put chastity away. The JB came off. We returned to our normal (whatever that means) sex life and I reverted back to the occasional PMO session as well. Our relationship went downhill and at one point we came close to ending it. It was the same stupid cycle I had been a part of my whole life.
Fortunately, we did not end things. MK and I had a long talk about lots of things. We discovered we had much love for each other and we allowed other things to interfere with our relationship. We eventually moved in together and life changed yet again.

A few months went by and for some reason we decided to try chastity again. The problem was my job was taking me out of town quite a bit. I would be gone for a week or more at a time. We tried a few different ways to make sure I was locked but it was very stressful. At one point I came very close to full on having an orgasm while away. It was yet another chastity failure.

We ended our second attempt back in the fall of 2014. MK took off the JB and quit wearing the key. I was left free once again and old habits eventually resurfaced. Our sex life took the predictable hit in terms of frequency, intensity and intimacy. PMO has the nasty side effect of making you desire it more than you desire your mate. I had become a crappy lover and an even crappier boyfriend. MK deserved so much better. Change was once again needed.

I knew that the approaches to chastity and PMO we had taken in the past were surefire ways to fail. A new approach was needed. I didn’t want to lose MK. She was the world to me. I was so lucky to have her in my life. She deserved my best and I intended to give it to her. I just had to figure out a way to conquer my demons.

So I began to research how to improve our lives. I knew that any solution had to address PMO and our sex life. I also knew it had to be simple, easy to understand, easy to implement and effective. It needed to be beneficial for our relationship in every way not just in the bedroom.

I found a website that had a set of rules called The Ten. The Ten was a set of statements that reflected how the man saw his mate and what he committed to doing each day to improve their lives together. I immediately thought this had promise and shared it with MK.

She agreed it was a good idea. We would get together each morning and I would read the Ten. To further drive home the Ten, after each statement MK would swat my bottom. This part of the ritual allowed MK to be an active participant and reinforced her dominance over me. It was meant to illustrate our daily commitments. I would be committing to the items on the Ten which would improve me. MK would be committing to ensuring I met my commitments. The goal was to make both of us happier as well as put in a system of accountability and authority. We committed to a trial period of ten weeks.
I will share the Ten at the end of this post.

The Ten was a great starting point but it wasn’t a goal in and of itself. The principles on the Ten had to be put into action. So I came up with a chore list. There were items that had to be done daily, some done weekly. Each day we would convene to make sure the items had been checked off. Each item not done resulted in a demerit. Demerits would be tallied at the end of the week and MK would decide on appropriate punishment. The list also had a section for bad behaviors. If I exhibit any of those behaviors I would receive additional demerits. It is my responsibility to keep up with the list and inform MK of my progress.
So with our chore list and the Ten we felt we had made great strides towards improving our relationship. There was just one more subject that needed to be broached…chastity. The proverbial elephant in the room so to speak.

I had so many mixed emotions towards chastity. It represented so many concepts in my mind but it also represented lots of wasted energy and failure. It also annoyed me on some level that I didn’t fully understand. Still, the JB was a deterrent for me and masturbation. MK knew this as well. It had to be in the mix one way or another.

Early on in our discussions of the Ten, MK mentioned the JB. She asked for my thoughts. I told her that it was up to her. I would accept whatever she thought was best. I instinctively knew what she would choose but ultimately I had learned that I cannot control my penis. The only solution was to give it to her and let her decide. It was actually a very liberating conclusion.

So MK told me that the JB was back in the mix. I would wear it during the day for sure when she was gone (I work from home). She asked my thoughts about other times and the great thing about MK is that when she asks for my opinion she truly listens and takes it to heart. So I was totally honest with her. I told her I would like to be free during our walks and when I play sports. The JB just isn’t at all comfortable when I am involved in athletic activity. I also told her I don’t sleep well with it on but in all honesty this could just be due to the fact I never got used to it. The nighttime erections eventually cease to be a problem from what I have read. Finally, I told her it was up to her if I was to be released. I would let her know about any pressing hygiene or medical needs but otherwise she was in charge.

Orgasms also came up during this discussion. I have a lot of thoughts on this subject but to make a long story short, it cannot be up to me when I orgasm. It has to be up to her and I am fine with whatever she decides. More on this in a future post but the bottom line is I had to give her control and let her know there was no way she could screw it up because it’s her rules.

MK seemed to like the outcome of all these discussions and I know I do. I am fully committed to this woman and her happiness. I realize that certain elements of my life cannot be left up to me and I am so grateful that MK had decided to take charge of them for me. I cannot repay her enough for all that she had done and is continuing to do for me. She is my world.

So that’s me. I am sure there will be more posts but I feel had to get all this off my chest. The future is exciting to me for the first time in a long while. I owe all of that to MK who refuse to give up on me. Hopefully, I will become the great man she so richly deserves. For now I am here, by her side, at her feet, trying to make her happy. I am locked and loved.

THE TEN (One spank delivered after each statement. To be read in descending order)
1) I love MK with all my heart and soul
2) I honor MK in all that I do and in all my actions
3) I obey MK in all cases and follow her lead and instructions in all matters
4) I accept and embrace MK as the loving, controlling power and authority in our relationship
5) I accept responsibility for awareness and anticipation of MK needs and demands, meeting them before she asks.
6) I accept my role and my responsibility in maintaining the domestic bliss in MK’s household.
7) I pledge daily to work to form new habits and behaviors that are more pleasing to MK
8) I recognize that PMO is not constructive for MK or me and must be eliminated
9) I freely give up all sexual freedom and ownership of my body to MK for her to do with as she wishes
10) I will strive to improve my physical, spiritual, emotional and financial health for MK
Last edited by LockedandLoved on Thu Aug 27, 2015 9:47 am, edited 1 time in total.
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LockedandLoved
Posts: 83
Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 9:18 am
Location: east coast

Orgasm Control

Post by LockedandLoved »

This post contains all my thoughts on this particular aspect of my life with MK. If you haven’t read my first post on how we got to this point, I would recommend you check it out first. It is called Back to the Start.

As you may already know, I have a problem with PMO. Porn, Masturbation and orgasm. These three forces have ruled my life for the better part of two decades. I have had very little control over them until now.
The problem for me has never been orgasms per se. Its always been that I have been doing so much of it and primarily it has been done in conjunction with pornography. Porn pushed out meaningful relationships. It became my wife, my girlfriend, my whatever!

I don’t want to speak for MK but I suspect if she is like most women she sees an orgasm as a sign that I have had a good time in bed with her. It’s a visual signal that I reached a climax, the height of pleasure. Women are told this is one of the goals of sex and you need to look no further than the magazine aisle of a local supermarket. Row after row of women’s magazines telling women how to satisfy their man primarily through orgasm. What a bunch of BS!!

I am no different than any other man. When I orgasm I experience the same chemical releases and subsequent hormone drop as every guy does. This drop makes me lethargic, lazy, complacent and worst of all, disinterested in MK. I have been sated and there is no need for her for a while. This is how men are programmed. It’s not hard to see how orgasming every day through the use of porn wouldn’t leave much room for MK.

I also think on some level MK has felt guilty if I don’t orgasm. Perhaps she feels somewhat like a failure as if her primary goal during sex was to make me orgasm.

I have evolved!

Having an orgasm is not that great. It’s the immense feelings that come right before the orgasm that make it so awesome. Those moments when desire is just building to a point where I don’t think I can take it anymore. The build up is what feels so amazing. The orgasm itself is like that last tiny bite of a chocolate chip cookie. Once it’s gone it’s over. Finished.

Recently, I told MK that 95% of the time I love the denial of orgasm. I love the feeling of building towards something that doesn’t happen. My desire breaks back down and then peaks again before the cycle is repeated. It just goes on and on. This seemingly never ending wave of buildup and denial is really powerful. It can go on for some time and often transports me to a sort of heady subspace.

The other 5% of the time what drives me is the idea of just blasting every milliliter of cum I have inside her, on her, near her…you name it! It’s almost as if I want her to see the visual representation of what she caused. I want her approval of her man showing her what only a man can show her. I just want to push my very essence inside of her almost like some sort of primitive dog marking his territory, letting her know that she is mine.

Together both of these forces feed off each other in my brain. They are in a constant tug of war that keeps me amped up as long as I have hope. Hope of an orgasm is important for me.

I let MK know that if I had no hope of an orgasm ever again I think I would lose some of the immense sexual energy I feel around her. It would be a real downer. Hope keeps me fired up for the possibility that it may happen. It gets her penis very hard inside its steel cage even now as I write these words. Hope is essential to this mind fuck.

Even though hope is necessary I also let MK know that she is in control. If she decides to never let me have another orgasm then that is the way it will be. It is her right. I just don’t want to know that she has decided to deny me forever. I want her to keep me guessing. Teasing, making comments about “this could be the night”, edging, grabbing me….when she does these things it keeps that hope alive and she knows it. I stay in a perpetual mode of pre orgasmic bliss that is really fun.

All that said, another part of me hopes that I do get to orgasm again with MK. I love the feeling of her cumming at the same time as me, our bodies in perfect sync with each other. Feeling her grip her penis with the insides of her vagina is such a feeling of ecstasy. I would hate to never have it again but again it’s her decision.

One of the hardest things for me has been to let go of all my fantasies around orgasm control. It’s still a work in progress but ultimately it has come down to one simple truth.
MK will decide if I ever orgasm again and the time and manner in which it happens. Period.

I love her for it so much!! I trust her with my life. She has my best interest at heart and she cannot make mistakes because it’s her decisions. There is no manual and I am at her mercy in terms of orgasms and really every other way imaginable as well.
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Trying to figure this out while keeping my sanity
LockedandLoved
Posts: 83
Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 9:18 am
Location: east coast

Lock it up!

Post by LockedandLoved »

Why chastity? What in the world makes me want to take a steel cage, place it over my penis, lock it and then give the key to MK? Why would ANY man want to do that?

Here is the truth.

I don’t want it. I need it.

If I had my way, I would NEVER subject myself to wearing the JB or any chastity device for that matter. I would be free. Free to live as most men live with a penis unencumbered. Free to pee standing up. Free to never worry about an inconvenient bulge. Free…..free to masturbate and therein lies the problem.

I wear the JB for two reasons. The first reason is to give control of my penis to MK. She gets to decide how it is used. She decides if I am free or not. She decides when she wants to use my penis for her pleasure or mine. It is hers and the JB is a constant reminder and symbol of that control. The second reason I wear the JB is for deterrence. It does not prevent masturbation but it does make it more difficult. The JB is there any time I get the urge to jerk off. Deterrence is not the same as prevention but it helps.

I have to be locked up. That’s all there is to it.
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LockedandLoved
Posts: 83
Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 9:18 am
Location: east coast

To O or not to O

Post by LockedandLoved »

I have had a love/hate relationship with orgasms for the past 25 years.

I have spent countless hours masturbating in pursuit of an orgasm. Thousands of pornographic scenes as well as numerous real life scenes have played out all while I have sought my next orgasmic high. One could argue that I have spent more of my life orgasming than perhaps anything else.

All of the time I have spent on orgasms would be well spent if it had accomplished anything positive but alas it has not. I cannot point to anything good that has come from all the orgasming I have done in my life. It has been the monster of all time sucks with nothing to show for it.

Unfortunately, there have been lots of negative effects to all this O’ing. Failed marriages, failed relationships, lack of career advancement…the list goes on and on. What orgasms have lacked in positive effects they have more than made up for in their destructive results.

So when I ask the question that is the title of this journal entry the answer seems overwhelmingly obvious

Not to O.

I cannot think of one good reason to have an orgasm. Even the so called “pleasure’ from the orgasm comes from the arousal not so much the climax. The arousal I can handle and will always be there whenever MK wants it. The actual climax is the problem.

I have never used drugs but from what I have read my reaction to orgasming is similar to a drug addict’s response to doing drugs. The high feels really good and then….the crash. The drug wears off. The junkie needs another high, another hit. I feel the same way after having an orgasm. I want another one. And another. And another and so on. It’s a never ending cycle.

Just like cocaine or heroin, there is no good that comes from orgasming every once in a while. No one would tell a junkie that it’s ok to do a few lines now and then. It’s really not and I think orgasms are the same for my brain. I cannot just have one every once in a while. Once I do, I want another one. It is like setting a 12 pack of beer in front of an alcoholic and telling him to drink just one beer. He is going to drink them all if he can. He is an alcoholic. I am addicted to orgasms and sex. It is what I will do if given the chance.

Ultimately, all of this in in MK’s hands. She knows how I feel about it all and the mind games she has to play with me on some level. I wonder if its this way for some drug addicts. That instinctively they know they shouldn’t do drugs anymore but since that option, no matter how remote it may be, is always there they keep their sanity. This doesn’t mean the addict will ever do drugs again just that they know they could.

What a mind fuck ….
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LockedandLoved
Posts: 83
Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2014 9:18 am
Location: east coast

The Purpose

Post by LockedandLoved »

I have been thinking about what I want to accomplish with this journal and I believe I have come to a conclusion.

Nothing.

Ok well something but really nothing. I have no purpose in mind other than to write it and see where it goes. Maybe it’s about exploration. Maybe it’s a cautionary tale. Maybe it’s about nothing. I don’t know.

What I do know is what I will not write and that is a blog for guys to use for jerk off material.

Sorry guys. I know, I know. I love a good chastity tale as much as the next guy and that’s the problem. For someone like me who has a problem with PMO, I don’t need to self-indulge by writing a journal full of masturbatory stories.

I suppose I will be writing about my ideas on chastity, PMO, addiction, denial, control, the Middle East, global warming….sorry got off track there for a moment.

I will do my best to keep it interesting and on topic. You will let me know when I fail at either of those goals, right?
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MrCage
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Joined: Sat Mar 29, 2014 7:24 am

Re: [LockedandLoved] Back to the Start Again

Post by MrCage »

Writing your thoughts on the forum isn't about writing for other people to get excited on your situation. It serves a couple of purposes.
Your blog is a diary. It serves to be a physical reminder of your thoughts at the time of writing. This way, you can return to it any time and analyze yourself. You can read about your progress and reflect on what you were feeling at the time. From there, you can figure out where you want to go and how. It's good for someone like you to be writing these thoughts out, it will help you overcome your addiction. The cage is a tool to help you do that as well.
The posts you make are good for you to let out your feelings and force you to come to reality and realize the difference between reality and fantasy. Reading your own posts from time to time will show you where you are on your path. Fantasies will always exist in your head, the key is to realize what to balance in your head. Some things are good to fantasize about while others will only bring frustration to your reality. So dismiss the latter thoughts from your mind and move on.
Posting also gives you feedback from others in your similar situation. This can bring you some comfort and clarity when you have times of doubt, insecurity, loss of focus. It is also a good place to hear advice and feedback.
I'm glad that you have a KH who is loving and willing to help you. You have the potential for a great loving and lasting relationship, don't screw this one up. Life is too short. Best of luck to you.
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LockedandLoved
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Location: east coast

Re: [LockedandLoved] Back to the Start Again

Post by LockedandLoved »

Thanks MrCage

Well put.
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LockedandLoved
Posts: 83
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Location: east coast

Don't You Forget About Me

Post by LockedandLoved »

Last night, MK and the rest of the family decided to take in a baseball game. The parking lot for the stadium is a hundred yards or so from where we would be sitting. We have agreed that I will not be wearing the JB any time I exercise.

So I asked MK to please unlock me so I would not be uncomfortable waking into the game. She replied that she had been thinking about that. The way she said it made me instantly realize that what she was thinking about was leaving me locked. Sigh.

If I want her to be in control of this I have to let her do it on her terms and in her own way. I cannot pressure her to lock or unlock me every time I might be a little uncomfortable. The reality is I could have made the walk and stayed locked up without too much discomfort.

I spent some time trying to figure out why I had asked her to unlock me. I realized what I am afraid of isn’t being locked up. I am really afraid of her keeping me locked and just forgetting about me.

We male chastity adherents spend tremendous energy and time trying to get our wives and girlfriends to lock us up and often once they give in, we spend the rest of our energy trying to get them to unlock us. It truly is be careful what you wish for I suppose.

I don’t want my penis and more importantly, me, to become an afterthought for MK. While the JB keeps me preoccupied with thoughts of her and my predicament, I realize that the steel cage around my penis is not exactly on her mind very often. Will these feelings on insecurity pass over time?

In any case she gave in and unlocked me. I told her later that I hoped she knew she didn’t have to give in all the time and I was sorry if she felt pressured. I think she understood and I remembered that she is charting her own path through this labyrinth of PMO, chastity, devotion, etc just as I am doing. She is one amazing woman and I am a lucky man!
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_lj_
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Re: Don't You Forget About Me

Post by _lj_ »

LockedandLoved wrote: I don’t want my penis and more importantly, me, to become an afterthought for MK. While the JB keeps me preoccupied with thoughts of her and my predicament, I realize that the steel cage around my penis is not exactly on her mind very often. Will these feelings on insecurity pass over time?
Being in a very similar situation, I think it will depend upon whether what MK is prepared to do is enough for you, and I know it takes a lot of effort to step back and let our KH reach her own level, free from our prompting, nagging or whining.
LockedandLoved wrote: In any case she gave in and unlocked me. I told her later that I hoped she knew she didn’t have to give in all the time and I was sorry if she felt pressured. I think she understood and I remembered that she is charting her own path through this labyrinth of PMO, chastity, devotion, etc just as I am doing. She is one amazing woman and I am a lucky man!
With some considerable trepidation, I asked My Lady if I was to stay in the JailBird until she decided otherwise. I dreaded a vague reply. The answer I got was a definite "yes", I must indeed remain in it until she says otherwise, with the exceptions of medical need or severe discomfort. That has removed a great deal of insecurity (pun intended!)
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MM Jailbird
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