[Rebuilder] Re-Earning Trust

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Rebuilder
Posts: 10
Joined: Sat Mar 21, 2015 10:37 pm

[Rebuilder] Re-Earning Trust

Post by Rebuilder »

As I mentioned in my Hello World post, I've been married 15 years and with my wife for over 20, which is half of my life.

During that time, I've been a decent, loving husband most of the time. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, nor have I ever raised a hand to her.

We have never had a passionate sex life, and over the past few years it's dwindled to none. There are many reasons for this but I don't want to get too far into them because I'd like to remain somewhat anonymous.

I want to be clear about one thing, I love my wife, she's the center of my world. I never, ever have done anything with the intent of hurting her. However, over the years, I've been a chronic cheater. I've had many (as in I don't know how many anymore) encounters with other women.

My wife is not an idiot, so she of course found out and she knows about my "problem." Bless her heart, she has forgiven me and even has suggested that my behavior in part of in total can be a factor of my own mental health issues, including past sexual trauma. And maybe she's right. Actually, she's almost always right, so she's right this time too.

The problem is that she no longer trusts me, and that sucks. I can't go out with friends or go to the hardware store without her checking up on me. She tracks my phone. She checks my texts. She monitors my Facebook. Of course, who can blame her as I have proven repeatedly that I cannot be trusted.

Somewhere along the line in my explorations of kink online, I found out about MC. And something clicked. This was years ago, and it's remained in the back of my head. Yet recently, I've been doing more and more research on devices and damn near pulled the trigger on buying one.

I view it as a way that I could possibly get her to trust me again. I want her to know when I go on a road trip that I'm not cheating. I'm working.

Thing is, I'm hesitant to discuss the idea with her because we don't have a sex life and don't talk about sex much, and once I'm locked up, I don't know if she'll unlock me often because she just plain doesn't care about sex. It's almost like voluntarily going to prison because you *might* rob a liquor store as you have in the past.

I'll admit though, as counter-intuitive as it is, the idea of being locked up *does* turn me on. It's a strange dichotomy. And it feels selfish in some way.

Emotions: Anxiousness. Fear. Nervousness. Paranoia - from both the lack of trust/being tracked/watched, etc. and fear of what might happen. Depression - from the fact that my wife doesn't trust me as well as natural chemicals in my brain. Hesitance.
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MiFlyboy
Posts: 17
Joined: Tue Feb 14, 2012 9:29 pm

Re: [Davient] Re-Earning Trust

Post by MiFlyboy »

I used to have an affair with my hand; that's why my wife has me locked 24/7, 365. It only comes off when she wants some sex.

Just remember "Be Careful for what you wish for, It may come true..."

FlyBoy
Down & Locked...Check
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Rebuilder
Posts: 10
Joined: Sat Mar 21, 2015 10:37 pm

Re: [Davient] Re-Earning Trust

Post by Rebuilder »

MiFlyBoy wrote:Just remember "Be Careful for what you wish for, It may come true..."
What I wish for is my wife's trust. That I would love to come true.

Being locked up on the other hand scares me.
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crated51
Posts: 120
Joined: Sat Nov 15, 2014 7:53 pm
Location: US

Re: [Rebuilder] Re-Earning Trust

Post by crated51 »

My 2 cents:

Watch the movie Fireproof, but be advised it is VERY explicit - in Christian content (which I make no apology for). That you wife forgives you is AWESOME!!!! That you love you wife and want to earn her trust is AWESOME!!!!!

Chastity can be fun and exciting but does not, nor cannot replace your actual commitment to love her. I believe that something locked on your body is only (at best) an outward expression of the inward reality, or it will just be another lie.

Start slow and DO NOT become upset that she is checking up on you. I would suggest that you can use that to the advantage of both of you. What do you say to her? Only you know what she she is like, but you have to be honest and vulnerable. Risking being too "preachy", read the story of the prodigal's son and use that as the spirit of your attitude. Explain what you want and why. Right now would probably NOT be the best time to show her a device (real or even a photo). Just talk about your love and desire to earn back her trust. If she is not interested right now, don't presume that to mean - never, she may just need some time. If you feel you need a device to control yourself, you have to understand she may think it is just a ploy to trick her into trusting you. ESPECIALLY when she realizes you could actually escape.

Her checking up on you while you are locked up can really make the game fun and be a source of your mutual trust - after all, you will need to learn to trust her with the key to the lock if it's going to work.

Let me also apologize if you were not looking for advice. This is YOUR journey and a place to put your thought without someone meddling and butting in. Don't be surprised if few comment on your posts but PLEASE continue to share what happens. Hope everything sorts out between you and you wife.
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It's not happy people that are thankful, it's thankful people that are happy.
Rebuilder
Posts: 10
Joined: Sat Mar 21, 2015 10:37 pm

Re: [Rebuilder] Re-Earning Trust

Post by Rebuilder »

She already checks up on me - watches my location on my phone, etc.

She knows I'm committed to her and that I'd never leave her. I have reasons that I have strayed (that for anonymity I won't get into.) Suffice it to say that while some men drink, do drugs, gamble, or what have you, I have other compulsions and I have followed through on them. Part of it is a mental health issue (Bipolar) and she understands that as well.

I thank you for your response, but the likelihood of me watching any movie that is very explicit in Christian content is slim to none and slim just left town. I appreciate and will never attack another person's faith, but I don't share the same belief system. No offense intended, organized religion of any type is just not for me. If it works for you, great!

Here I am the new guy and I'm making excuses and rationalizations and probably insulting another man's faith (though I do not intend it that way.) I feel bad.
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crated51
Posts: 120
Joined: Sat Nov 15, 2014 7:53 pm
Location: US

Re: [Rebuilder] Re-Earning Trust

Post by crated51 »

To be clear, absolutely no offense taken. I appreciate and respect your candor.
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It's not happy people that are thankful, it's thankful people that are happy.
Rebuilder
Posts: 10
Joined: Sat Mar 21, 2015 10:37 pm

Re: [Rebuilder] Re-Earning Trust

Post by Rebuilder »

crated51 wrote:To be clear, absolutely no offense taken. I appreciate and respect your candor.
Good. Thank you. Faith is a hot-button topic because it is so personal, and I never want to insult someone else's belief system because it is, essentially, a personal insult.

Thank you for offering good advice.

I'll expand on some of the reasons I have strayed without going into too much detail that it could easily be determined if someone googled that it is me writing this. Perhaps that's paranoia, but that goes hand-in-hand with bipolarism, right?

My wife and I have never had a passionate sex life. In the decades we have been living together, there have been fits and spurts of regular sex, but then long, long dry spells where it feels like we're just friends and partners in life. And I do not want to lose that friend and partner.

However, for the past few years, her chronic health issues have become worse and worse to the point where simply doing a chore like dishes can wear her out enough that she sleeps the whole day the next day. I can't imagine what sex would do, so it's hard for me to even initiate knowing that it could be painful for her.

That is somewhat how I rationalize my infidelity. I never do it to hurt her. I never do it to "get revenge" or whatever. It is an escape. It's me living another life, one where I'm a bit more free of the burdens we have together. There are no feelings in these events, it's just recreation, just sex.

Yet I want to be honest with her. I don't want to sneak. I want her to know that she is the center of my life and as easy as it would be to just leave and live a life without her and lots and lots of sex, I don't want to leave her. I want to stay.

I'm stuck in a bad place. It sucks. Would it be easier if she just gave me a hall pass? Hell yes. But there are times, emotionally, that she needs to know that I'm not fooling around. And if that takes a lock on me then so be it. I want her to know, in her heart, that I'm HER husband, and I intend to stay that way.
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